Good parenting is hard because it’s too cheap and simple
Parenting should be a choice of joy, economically and emotionally sustainable for everybody who would actually want to be a parent. These days, instead, it has become, or it is perceived even when it shouldn’t, as an embarrassingly expensive ordeal that must suck every cent and waking minute out of parents.
That could be tolerable if the results were good, but they too often aren’t. Believing that the default parenting style in “first world” is the best way to turn babies into happy, balanced adults with the best chances to get a great job is something people keep doing out of desperation or lack of imagination, but it gets harder every year.
Why is good parenting so hard? Here, I argue that maybe it’s because it is too simple and too cheap to see, adding as final bonus what happily childless people must know and do to stay so.
Before starting, my usual PSA: if you like what I say, thanks for sharing it as much as possible, and for supporting it with direct donations, or paid subscriptions. I am also available for online meetings about this and any other topic you can find here. To see why it may be a good idea, also read the endorsements I got.
Definition, effects and causes of Intensive Parenting

The default way to raise kids for most contemporary parents with enough money and worries to spend is aptly called overparenting, or “Intensive Parenting”. Just like the road to hell, it is paved with sincere, good intentions, but way too often leads to dark places, or at least results that weren’t really worth their toll: I’m talking of those impressive but hollow, short-lived resumes that won’t guarantee lasting success, even if they were built by relentless nagging, parents intrusions and deprivation (for both children and parents!) of the experiences that would make the right impacts.
What causes Intensive Parenting is mostly loneliness and fear. Intensive Parenting is a reaction to being alone in an increasing inequal world, and pushed to remain ignorant of what the real purpose of schooling and education is.
Intensive Parenting is what gets parents in debt to fill their childrens’ lives with needlessly turbocharged schooling, and expensive but ultimately oppressive activities for their “future”, instead of, say, sending them to the nearest public park to play as they want, but spending 100 times less, through a parents cooperative, to pay supervisors of those parks. Or lobbying together to have their city administration do the same.
Intensive parenting, which is good for GDP and little else, is just one of the unavoidable consequences - and goals - of one sad reality: almost every adult alive today has been groomed to be alone, to WANT to be alone and to only consider solutions for loneliness and safety that come with a price tag, the higher the better. Ending this state of things to get happy kids from happy, debt-free parents is possible, even if doing so is simple and cheap enough to feel terribly uncool (for who keeps listening to the wrong pressures, of course).
What schools are REALLY for, and what to demand from them
Contrarily to what most people are still indoctrinated to believe, the purpose of grade school, and to a non-negligible extent also of Colleges and Universities, is NOT to prepare children to get a great job. Getting prepared to do a job is the purpose of professional training, which is something else entirely and the more is kept separate from school the better. This was always true, and is even truer in an age when everybody and their chatbot keep making claims like “most jobs of tomorrow don’t exist yet, buy something to prepare your kids for them”.
The purpose of school is to form human beings that can reason by themselves, want to do it and do have the right culture to do it right. There is plenty of official reports and anecdotes, for example here, here and here, that too many students arrive at college age lacking basic notions and skills they should have mastered in primary school.
This is important because lacking certain basic skills means, for example, being incapable of making certain calculations or quantitative estimates quickly without any technological help. But being like that means being much easier to fool by whatever politician shouts louder than all the others. It means being incapable of understanding how one’s Government actually works, and of being skeptical only when it does make sense to do so.
In practice, this means that the best primary schools may be those who don’t make parents waste money and stress on tons of more or less fashionable tech and extra activities, but make every child master skills like:
basic math by mind (ever noticed how many youngsters can’t figure out if they are getting the right change at the cash register, or if some chart is flawed?)
age-appropriate, but always deep, high quality reading and writing practice
real ability to retrieve, organize, rate and generally manage information (ever noticed how much time many youngsters waste on scrolling through their pictures or other digital documents, because they never learned how to tag and sort them in folders?)
Leave schools to kids and teachers. A parent’s job is something else.
The knowledge outlined above is essential. Once it is granted, even if the purpose of school and college were to train students to want increasingly precarious jobs whose only guarantee would be hustle culture, what they would need most to succeed would never be grades or certificates. It would be things like real self-reliance, adaptability, critical thinking, being good team players...
Those are the skills that are and will remain the most valuable in every workplace and beyond workplaces, for example in dating
Those are the skills that cannot be replaced by any AI, are often lacking in traditional education and are quite hard to acquire in any activity, no matter how fashionable and expensive, where the child is continuously supervised and prevented from failing.
And finally, those are the skills that parents must aim to cultivate in their children. Care about them, and school grades will take care of themselves, and even if they’ll be much lower than you’d like, it won’t really hurt them.
Consequently, the main priorities of everybody aiming to be a happy parent of future happy adult should be things like:
Leave school and grades to kids and teachers. Yes, I already said that, but it’s crucial.
Make the kids know and live the importance of Cooperation, Well Being, Free Time, and how they are linked. Avoid like the plague getting kids and parents alike drown in expensive, life-sucking, toxically competitive activities, from “travel sports” to anything (choruses, learning music, theater, whatever...) whose common core is increasing pressures even most adults couldn’t bear for years. The right amount of boredom stimulates creativity (and real success later in life) much more than any course, for free.
Reject both infantilization and adultification. These days, market and political forces (that also act through Intensive Parenting!) deliberately blur the limits between generations, pushing adults to be imbeciles in pursuit of eternal but false youth, kids to be adults and both groups to never really be “together”. The system and peer-pressure push parents to make kids dress, behave, spend and consume like adults, years before it would be sane but never on their own which would often be healthier.
Foster independence. For 99.9999% of human history, the only people who were always watched by an adult were inmates. Today, instead, parents are supposed to make kids run, spend and struggle like adults but... only and always (because it’s good for “the economy”) as babies. That is, under perpetual, strict supervision of an adult professional (see “travel sports above”). The only thing kids can, no: must handle alone (because, again, the economy) is to get lost into worlds not even actual adults know how to navigate sanely. Do the opposite. It’s getting finally obvious that personal smartphones before 14/15 years old were a huge mistake, so don’t repeat it. For everything else, leave the kids alone. This does not mean to let them do whatever they damn please. It means show them what to do, help them to prepare for it, and then let them do it themselves. In case you missed it, there is at least one way to do it that’s been field-tested worldwide for 120 years now and (when done right) is as good and life changing as the first day.

Concrete advice to functional, happy human beings in the 21st-century
YOU sure YOU don’t want to have kids for whatever reason? NO PROBLEM AT ALL, but please keep reading. It’s in your interest too. If you do want kids instead let me say, as a father of three...
The previous paragraph was about the high-level goals. Let’s get practical now.
Do have kids as soon as possible! I do NOT think young couples without any income should just go and have a baby. I say that if you are a young adult in 2026, it’s quite likely that 10 or 15 years from now you will still have the same job insecurity of your first summer job. With such perspectives, if you do want kids, waiting till you’re 35 or older is NOT smarter than having them now. Quite the opposite actually. Have kids when YOUR parents are still energetic enough to help. Have kids when it guarantees that when you’ll be 35 they will already go to school, buy groceries, cook their own meals, do their homework, help their grandparents... all by themselves, while you secure some paid gig for the next quarter.
Did you notice I said “kidS”, plural? If you want to have kids, do have more than one. It’s a blessing for them and the best method there is to be sure that you’ll only spend money on parenting for stuff that really matters, including partnering with other parents to share the costs for “playground supervisors”. Heck, you may spend less with two kids than with one that would make it harder to resist to temptations.
Relax. Parenting is not a problem. Don’t be scared to have kids. There are reasons to be scared, but the only one that matters is not having them with the right partner. You don’t need to be everybody everywhere, every moment, and if you did you’d almost surely do more harm than good. Kids will grow up as the beings THEY were born to be, no matter what you do. Overprotection is the mother of stress. Just relax and enjoy the ride.
Never make your kids live or reboot YOUR life, never make THEIR lives yours. Also, leave their teachers alone. I still remember a parents meeting where one father harshly criticized a teacher because “I really don’t understand how WE (=son AND father!) got such a low grade at the last test” then turned to the other parents and asked “don’t you agree? I know you got really low grades too!”. My wife and I almost laughed, then answered “WE??? We got out of schools twenty years ago. Our son is the one who just got a low grade, NOT us, so it’s him and the teacher who must work out what to do next!”
On the same note: boycott every online gradebook that notifies you in real time of all your kid grades and assignments. The sane way for both you and your kids to learn about that stuff is to raise your kids so THEY tell you all their grades, good or bad. That’s what foster self-esteem and responsibility, not being greeted by “why did you got a D???” the moment they enter home. For the same reason... unless there are actual, serious medical reasons, never spend a dime on preventative private tutoring of any kind. What kids must really learn from homework is to take responsibility of their actions and to love to always do their best for real, that is by themselves, low grades be damned. Preventative tutoring is the school equivalent of doping in sports. It just hides problems until it doesn’t, and it’s addictive.
Have the right aspirations for your kids: if you worry about their future jobs, don’t forget that opportunities for people who learn basic trades that pay well and can’t be off-shored will increase. In any case, if what matters is soft, not quantifiable skills, why chase every possible certification or trophy of quantifiable activities since kindergarten? Why, when every scientist or doctor with a grip of reality is shouting from the rooftops that we need to just stop and smell the roses?
The sooner the simpler may be the main rule, when basic life skills like good manners and sensible self-discipline are concerned: teaching a toddler not to be rude or regular sleeping habits, which are hugely important, is exponentially easier than trying to do it just four or five years later. Never fall for "child-led" parenting like this.
Read to your kids. Do it everyday, seriously: No matter what people selling video and AI assistants say, 99% of the knowledge everybody should learn as soon as possible is text. This does not negate the educational value of, e.g. video clips. But like it or not, it’s text that still rules the world and will continue to do so, and the only way to master it is to become avid readers (and possibly decent writers too). Therefore... Read to your babies and children, everyday, and let them SEE YOU reading on your own, because that is by far the largest motivating factor in making children love reading. I get sad every time I visit someone’s house that is better than mine, more decorated, newer, etc.. but without bookshelves. More on the value of reading and writing is here and here.
Just say NO to personal smartphones until 14/15 years old. Just say no because, for all the reasons I already explained at length here, here and here, it’s hugely easier and cheaper than any other “solution” to protect children from social media, online predators, overexposure, toxic peer pressure and, last but not least, datafication: as things stand today, the difference between us and the humans in the Matrix pods is only that we are plugged to provide data, not energy. All the real benefits and opportunities of digital education and access are still available with non-portable computers.
Last but not least, cooperate with other parents to have all your kids be alone together. Because, even if micromanaging your kid's life did made sense in principle, you could do that or ask for community help with child care - "but you can’t have both".
(I should have probably added some thoughts about all the other “parentings”: gentle, permissive, authoritarian, what else? But this post is already long. Ask for a follow-up on those issues, if interested)
Please share this advice as much as you can, in and outside Substack! Thanks from stressed kids worldwide!
The part for those who do NOT want to have kids
At this point in time, having kids or concretely supporting people who want to have them solves more real problems than it creates, for everybody. First, every society needs enough people of DIFFERENT generations to survive without going mad, and even to restore the natural world, if that is your main concern. Promises of home robots assisting every lonely elder are a fraud, and even if they or any other tech-first solution were real they would drive us mad, eventually. Last but not least, both overpopulation and fears of ethnic replacements are almost non-issues where we actually are now.
The end of overpopulation is already happening quite fast, it is just not evenly distributed yet. If you worry about ethnic replacement instead: that’s stuff that happens because of other stuff that happened, or did not happen one or two generation ago. Demography is the science that tells you what you should have done thirty years ago - e.g. support famiuly welfare in your country or birth control in depeloping countries - to get the output you’d like to get next year. Trying to undo certain phenomena in an electoral cycle or two is like demanding that the last three Soccer World Cups had different winners. Yes, that’s exactly what many Italians would like now, but what happened cannot un-happen:
Keynes said that in the long run we’re all dead. Demography says that everybody is replaced in the long run, before they realize it. If replacement put in motion decades ago is finally getting visible, the only human and feasible thing that’s left is to manage it in order to minimize social attrition, unrest and multiple ghettos.
Back to having kids now: YOU do not want to have children? That’s cool. Seriously. Only people who really want to have kids should have them. All the others, however, should always lobby for pro-children policies anyway. By “pro-family policies” I mean policies that make it as easy, REALLY easy as possible, for people who do want to have kids, to have as many kids as possible. And I deliberately say “pro-family”, not “pro-life”, because pro-life debates are too often only about birth control, which I have no intention to discuss here. Just support pro-family policies, because it won’t make overpopulation continue. It will just produce societies worth living in, because they will be younger, much more cohesive, and much more willing to help all their members.

