I’ve been writing the Dingus of the Week newsletter and crowning a Dingus of the Year for nearly five years. Which means roughly 240 dingii (probably more because there are some double-headers). But the point is, this is a veritable cornucopia of chucklefucks, a smorgasbord of smarm, a congress of chuds.

So many of these dinguses have made it into the Cabinet of this administration that you’d think the president himself was combing through the newsletter, thinking, “Who sucks the most? I need that guy to run the Department of Defense. A drunk and he’s not qualified? I MUST HAVE HIM!”

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And sometimes it’s a her! Because Trump is very inclusive about handing power to all evil people. And if 2025 has proven anything, it’s that women can be just as despicable as men. You go, girls! And by “go” I mean “straight to hell.”

This week, I thought I’d do a “Where Are They Now?” roundup of the people so inept, so craven, so supremely unqualified that they could only be the ones in charge.

Ryan Walters:

The school superintendent in Oklahoma is a bastion of Christ’s love, purity, and holiness. He’s fought hard to protect kids from such vicious evils as “reading books” and “gay people.” He has worked tirelessly to ensure that aspects of the Constitution, like the separation of church and state, are flagrantly violated.

Given his history, how dare you accuse him of having porn on his work computer during a closed-door meeting with the Oklahoma State Board of Education? This is CLEARLY the work of Satan. Yes, Satan has gotten ahold of you and made you lie about this man, this pure innocent man, with hair that rises like the golden light of Christ’s love and a forehead that gleams like the damp dew in the Garden of Gethsemane. How can you accuse that face, that face that looks like a megachurch youth pastor just hours away from a statutory rape accusation, of anything untoward?

As I wrote last year, in Oklahoma, where carrying pretty much any sort of gun is legal, there are easier ways to shoot yourself in the foot, my guy.

Tariffs:

Tariffs were named as a dingus in April, but wow, have they continued to dominate the headlines (derogatory).

Not since the married guy I met on Tinder in 2018 have I seen anyone so consistently afraid of commitment as Donald Trump with tariffs. My god, sir, this is dandruff levels of flake. Like corn levels of flake. Like “I’m a 52-year-old man and not sure what I want from a relationship” levels of flake.

I’ve seen pie crusts with more structural integrity.

Are we on again? Off again? Are we having a manic episode? Who can say? Certainly not the syphilitic brain behind the absolute chaos of this economic moment.

Marjorie Taylor Greene:

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene has two meth-addled hamsters instead of a functioning brain. She is the one politician with less pathos than Cruella de Vil. In fact, murdering puppies for their coats would actually be one of the more likable things this woman could do. I have seen puddles of dog diarrhea with more charisma. Given all of that, this week, Greene actually said that what is happening in Gaza is genocide.

She is right, of course. But you absolutely do not have to hand it to her. That would be like giving Hannibal Lecter an award every time he didn’t murder someone. But somehow, in this timeline, she has a little more moral courage than Sen. John Fetterman.

And now, a blunderbuss approach to dinguses

Pete Buttigieg:

This week, the man perhaps most thirsty for the presidency, Pete Buttigieg, noted that “there are fairness issues” with trans people in women’s sports. Regardless of the context of his remarks, it is incredibly cowardly to stoke the fires of transphobia to try to score some political points.

There are so many better ways to handle this question, like, for example, pointing out that this is a non-issue and involves maybe five people in all of America, and there are better ways to handle it than passing laws that unfairly target trans people. People keep talking about how media-trained he is and how savvy. Seems like this time he couldn’t be bothered. At this point, it’s becoming exhausting to say, “Stop throwing trans people under the bus to win over some bigots who were never going to vote for you anyway, you knobheads.” But let me just say it again.

Anyway, this week, Pete wins the Rahm Emanuel award for politicians with heads of hair and hearts of craven ambition.

The presidential fitness test:

As if we weren’t miserable enough, the presidential fitness test is back to traumatize your kids. Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse in America, now your kids have to do pull-ups in front of their friends and most devastating bullies, learning not how to be healthy, but how to be traumatized.

Sydney Sweeney:

Every generation has a blond actress that no one can be normal about. That said, I’d rather walk across a wasteland strewn with LEGO pieces or step in dog shit at 2 AM on my way to the bathroom than write about Sydney Sweeney’s ad or explain it. To quote Sam Sanders, “Everything I have learned about Sydney Sweeney, I learned against my will.”

And now for something good

• I just love it when I get to see dingus on dingus violence. In this case, it’s Trump vs. Hawley. And also, it’s Joe Rogan vs. Trump. It’s like that old Irish proverb: Live by the conspiratorial brain worms, die by the conspiratorial brain worms.

• RSS is back, you beautiful nerds!

• WHAT CAN’T WOMEN HOLD?

• Some Celsius cans were accidentally mislabeled as High Noon. And as someone who has had Celsius, I have to say, I probably wouldn’t notice if it made me a little drunk. Also, a little free booze? In this economy? THANK YOU.

• And the AP won its lawsuit against the White House.

• Violent crime rates have fallen! But my own personal thought crimes are up, so good luck to the Minority Report team as they try to catch me.

Something I am enjoying

This week, I snuck away to Galena, Illinois, for a quick overnight. I ate at Fritz and Frites, which is a wonderful German and French fusion restaurant, then got high and watched The Firm.

And while there, I got to tell the incredible story about the time I went to Galena with a former politician (who shall remain nameless) and we heard a ghost say BACON.

Also, Open Mike Eagle has a new album out. And in this house we love Open Mike Eagle!