I recently read an article that described the most dangerous and manipulative type of person as someone who doesn’t flat-out lie, but instead tells partial lies and partial truths. Why? Because this type of person often causes you to doubt your reality. 

When someone fully lies to your face, it’s usually easy to call out and label them as untrustworthy. But when someone tells you most of the truth—while bending or leaving out other details—it starts to get a bit hazy. This can make you question your own perception or memory, and that can be a slippery slope into manipulation.

I spoke with a therapist about why, exactly, this type of behavior is so concerning—and how to avoid being fooled by the half-truth-telling manipulator.

Liar vs. Manipulator

Oftentimes, we confuse liars for manipulators—which, to be honest, is a fair mixup. Liars often use their mistruths to manipulate their subjects. However, not all manipulators are liars. In fact, some of the most dangerous types of manipulation do not involve lying.

“It can be hard to tell when a person is using manipulation when they are telling partial truths,” says Krista Walker, LCSW, J.D., Clinical Director at The Ohana Luxury Addiction Treatment Center. “They may tell you something that is partially true while leaving out key information. It’s important to pay attention to the overall pattern rather than each statement.”

For example, someone who flat-out lies to you is usually easy to spot. On the other hand, someone who tells half-truths while intentionally keeping out important details that would otherwise influence your perspective is a bit more difficult to identify. Not to mention, dealing with this type of person can be incredibly disorienting. You might feel gaslit or try to justify their actions by telling yourself, “Technically, they didn’t lie to me…”

“Partial truths can be confusing because the person is telling some of the truth,” says Walker. “However, they are not being transparent or completely honest. This can make you question your own perception of things. You may feel like you’re constantly trying to solve a puzzle. You’re trying to figure out what is going on, what their motivation is. This can be incredibly exhausting emotionally.”

How to Deal With the Truth-Telling Manipulator

Once you recognize that someone is only sharing half the truth with you while intentionally leaving out important details, be careful not to take their word at face value anymore.

“If you discover repeatedly that a person is leaving out details or telling half-truths, it’s worth paying attention to,” Walker adds.

Walker also recommends setting boundaries to protect yourself from further manipulation. Typically, the less you engage with this type of person, the better. They often thrive off your attention, even if you’re simply arguing or defending your side. There’s usually no reasoning with them.

“You don’t have to prove anything,” she says. “Don’t get pulled into an argument about whether or not the person is manipulating you or telling half of the truth. Simply set that boundary.”

The post This Is the Most Dangerous Type of Manipulator (And How to Spot Them) appeared first on VICE.

We all know that boundaries are important self-protective tools, but can they become too strict, controlling, or avoidant? Many people claim they’re setting boundaries when, really, they’re just attempting to manipulate those around them or avoid accountability altogether. 

So how do you know the difference between a true, healthy boundary vs. one that’s gone too far? I spoke with a therapist to gain expert insight on this topic.

What Even Is a Boundary?

According to Tammy Nelson, PhD, licensed psychotherapist and consultant for Ashley Madison, “A boundary defines what I will or won’t participate in, what I feel comfortable with, and what I need to feel safe and respected in a relationship.”

In other words, boundaries are more about you as an individual—what you’re willing to tolerate or accept in your relationships—than about other people in your life.

“Personal boundaries can change over time,” Nelson adds. “By nature, they should have some flexibility.”

Boundaries are self-protective in nature. We can’t force anyone to do, say, or behave as we might want them to, and it’s not our right to do so. What we can do is communicate what we need to feel respected and safe, and walk away if someone pushes back.

When Boundaries Are Self-Serving, Not Self-Protective

Nelson stresses the fact that boundaries are entirely different than rules. Unfortunately, many people use the two terms interchangeably. 

“A rule is one person dictating what another person is or isn’t allowed to do,” she says. “A boundary can become controlling when it is used to manage or manipulate another person’s behavior.”

For example, one of the first things that comes to mind is a controlling partner who attempts to dictate what you wear and who you’re friends with. While you can (and should!) set a boundary about what makes you feel comfortable and respected in your relationship, your goal should never be to control your partner or mold them into someone you love.

“Boundaries can cross from self-protective to toxic when they become overly controlling,” says Nelson. “Telling another person what they can and can’t do also means someone has to monitor whether the rule has been broken. Suddenly, one partner becomes the detective or parent in the relationship rather than an equal participant.”

Additionally, boundaries can be used as a way to avoid conflict and accountability in relationships/friendships. I once knew a friend of a friend who would wreak absolute havoc in her social groups, stirring the pot and causing drama like it was a full-time job. She’d shit-talk, name-call, and borderline bully the people in her circle individually. But any time they would attempt to talk to her or defend themselves, she would tell them: “I am not engaging in this conversation. That’s my boundary.” 

And sure, no one can force someone else to partake in a discussion they don’t want to have. But in this case, it was clear the individual was attempting to avoid accountability while continuing to spew negativity and verbally attack other people.

“Healthy boundaries, when taken to an extreme, can be a way of avoiding any form of discomfort or accountability that comes with being vulnerable and having relationships,” says Jonathan Goelz, LCSW, Executive Director of All in Solutions. “I have noticed that some individuals call ‘cutting off,’ ‘punishing’ another person, or simply refusing to talk with them, ‘keeping the peace.’ When we really look closely at these behaviors, however, we find that they do not allow for any opportunities to repair or resolve issues in our relationship.”

Setting Healthy Boundaries

If you want to establish healthy boundaries in your relationships, focus more on self-protection than control or conflict avoidance. 

Goelz recommends asking yourself: “Is this boundary providing a safe space for me within this relationship? Or is this boundary creating a place where I will continue to avoid engaging in the relationship?”

The post When Healthy Boundaries Become Toxic, According to Therapists appeared first on VICE.

We often talk about getting comfortable in a relationship as though it’s a negative thing, but there’s a major difference between comfort and complacency. Just because someone feels comfortable does not necessarily mean they will stop trying to make their partner happy. In fact, comfort can sometimes motivate partners to show up for each other, as they feel secure and safe in the relationship.

Why Comfort Is Healthy in a Relationship

If you don’t feel comfortable in your relationship, I personally would view that as a red flag. Comfort often stems from safety, security, and acceptance—three important factors in a relationship.

“From an Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) perspective, being comfortable in a relationship is the ultimate goal. In the attachment-based therapy space, we call this ‘secure attachment,’” says Dr. Timothy J. Nguyen, PsyD, LCSW, licensed psychologist, couples therapist, and ICF PCC coach at BalanceHour Therapy. “When relationships are genuinely comfortable, this means the nervous system is regulated or can be regulated in times of conflict because the couple has created, established, and consistently worked on keeping the relationship a safe and secure base.” 

However, comfort does not equal complacency. While some partners might blame their complacency on their comfort, they’re two completely different experiences. In the right partner, comfort will actually help them feel more inspired and motivated to nurture the relationship. 

“When we feel accepted, seen, and cared for by our partners, we experience emotional comfort, which many describe as a feeling of having a safe home base to return to when things get tough,” says Nguyen.

I don’t know about you, but in my experience, that sense of security is where the most beautiful love is born. When we feel safe enough to be ourselves, we typically show up more authentically and lovingly in our relationships.

Comfort vs. Complacency

There’s a major difference between comfort (feeling safe and secure in your relationship) and complacency (feeling satisfied with yourself and unmotivated to grow).

“By definition, complacency is the state of being too satisfied or too happy with how things are currently while also having a false sense of safety,” says Nguyen. “When we reach emotional safety and comfort with our partner, it is from many repetitions over and over, patterns of interaction that solidify our expectations and familiarity with each other. Therefore, it would be very difficult to be complacent if the sense of safety has been built brick by brick, resolved conflict by resolved conflict, by injury and repair, over and over again.”

A comfortable partner does not necessarily stop putting effort into the relationship. Instead, a complacent partner might use their comfort as an excuse for being lazy, stagnant, or neglectful.

“With emotional comfort, that’s where partners know that when they get into conflict, they know that they can repair, they know how to repair, and they know that the accessibility, responsiveness, and active engagement with each other is going to be there when needed,” Nguyen says. “With complacency, we see more of the opposite, where partners are no longer emotionally accessible to each other, non-responsive to each other’s needs, and more passive engagement or no engagement at all.”

The post The Relationship Green Flag People Often Mistake for a Problem appeared first on VICE.

Most people think they have a pretty clear read on what cheating is. Physical contact with someone outside the relationship, obviously. An emotional affair, sure. The average American’s definition, though, has gotten way more specific—and people are already doing things all the time that fall inside it.

Talker Research surveyed 2,000 Americans in 2026 and found 15% of people in relationships admit to having romantic feelings for someone outside their partnership. Gen Z came in highest at 31%, millennials at 21%, and men were more likely to cop to it than women—19% versus 12%. The feelings are clearly there. Where things get disputed is everything that comes after.

What actually counts as cheating:

• Keeping an ongoing flirtatious text conversation with someone else (41%)
• Talking late into the night with one person while hiding it from your partner (40%)
• Maintaining a dating app profile “just to look” or for validation (37%)
• Keeping someone in your phone under a fake name (37%)
• Deleting messages so your partner won’t see them (36%)
• Keeping in touch with an ex without telling your partner (36%)
• Secretly meeting someone one-on-one (36%)
• Having a secret friendship your partner doesn’t know about (34%)
• Fantasy messaging — discussing “what if we were single?” with someone (33%)
• Sending heart emojis, compliments, or inside jokes to someone in a romantic way (33%)

Dating expert Melanie Schilling, who popularized the term “micro-cheating” in 2017, described it as “a series of seemingly small actions that indicate a person is emotionally or physically focused on someone outside their relationship.” Figs O’Sullivan, a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Empathi, argues the secrecy is the actual injury. “What counts as micro-cheating is any secret interaction that introduces a competing attachment into your primary bond,” O’Sullivan writes. “It occurs when you outsource your attachment needs, building a hidden reality you know would deeply hurt your partner.” The behavior, he adds, is usually a symptom of something going unaddressed at home rather than a premeditated act of betrayal.

The survey also asked Americans why they’ve ended relationships, and the answers take a sharp left turn—weird feet, a bad tip, a disagreement about pineapple on pizza, terribly cooked pasta. Dr. Sal Raichbach, Chief Clinical Officer at The Haven Detox Group, told the NY Post that those reasons should be looked at more closely. “The stated reason for terminating a relationship may not accurately reflect why the relationship actually ended. In many cases, the ‘small’ issue becomes symbolic of a much deeper incompatibility—differences in etiquette, values, lifestyle, attraction, or perceived respect for one another.”

Small things crack relationships open. The text thread, the fake name, the gum-chewing—they’re just where the pressure finally found an exit.

The post If You Do These Things, You Might Be Accidentally Cheating on Your Partner appeared first on VICE.

Today, it seems everyone is expecting perfection from those around them, but rarely from themselves. When it comes to dating, we have ridiculously high standards for one another, from appearance and personality to communication style and availability. While respect, kindness, and love are must-haves, no partner will ever be the perfect partner.

However, there are certain behaviors worth addressing in our partners or relationships, as they can damage even the healthiest of connections. One such pattern is defensiveness. In relationships, defensiveness can quickly and unintentionally spiral into a controlling behavior or manipulative reaction. 

“Defensiveness rarely controls a partner by actually telling them what they can or can’t do,” says Giulia P. Davis, LMFT, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and Founder of Mycelia Therapy. “It controls by making certain conversations so difficult that eventually the other person stops bringing them up.”

While everyone gets defensive from time to time—and some defensiveness is necessary for self-protection—too much can prevent the other person from feeling heard or understood.

Impacts of Defensiveness on Relationships

A defensive individual can unintentionally dissuade their partner from sharing concerns or starting hard conversations. It can feel intimidating, frustrating, and downright exhausting when met with denial or blame-shifting every time you voice your feelings.

“It’s common for individuals to develop habits in which they are cautious with how they express themselves in these relationships,” says Davis. “Individuals will often practice conversations before expressing them; use softer language; wait until ‘the right’ time to bring up an issue; refrain from bringing up issues because there could potentially be an argument.” 

Many people in such relationships believe they are in a healthy dynamic because they “never fight!” or “rarely disagree!” Really, they’re just avoiding conflict altogether rather than resolving it.

“Sometimes, this relationship appears to have less conflict than others, but there is still resentment building as the defensive partner is shocked when they find out about an issue after many months or years of ignoring/avoiding it,” Davis explains. “This is due to the fact that the non-defensive partner has had to keep a running record of everything they did not feel safe enough to address.”

How to Address Your Partner’s Defensiveness

You might be wondering, “How could I possibly address my defensive partner without them becoming, well, defensive?” According to Davis, you should wait until after you both have calmed down before bringing it to their attention. 

“I wouldn’t recommend calling someone ‘defensive’ in the middle of an argument,” she shares. “That usually just creates another argument. It’s much more productive to talk about the pattern when both people are calm.”

Davis recommends gently highlighting the behavior by sharing your experience after an argument. For example, maybe you feel that every time you voice a concern or hurt feelings, your partner denies their part in it, turning it into a fight or debate rather than a healthy, productive conversation. By sharing this with them after the fact (when you’re both no longer heated), you’re revealing your side without attacking them. Hopefully, this prevents further defensiveness.

“Then ask for something very specific,” Davis adds. “Before explaining or defending their side, can they simply acknowledge what their partner is feeling? That small change can make a big difference.”

The post This Common Habit Is Quietly Destroying Your Relationship appeared first on VICE.