Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.

The year is 2030 and French President Marine Le Pen’s sweeping overhaul of both her own country and the EU shows no sign of slowing down.

The Berlaymont, or the European Commission’s HQ, has been repurposed as the Ministry of National Sovereignty, except for the 13th floor —the current work base and living quarters of Commission President Ursula von der Leyen — which is now a cat cafe.

Other buildings in the EU Quarter of Brussels (or, as it’s now known, the 21st arrondissement) have not been so lucky. Most have been razed to the ground. Some have been occupied by disgruntled former EU staff, who are refusing to leave and have set up a working group to discuss a future roadmap that will feed into a discussion on how to bring back a European Union that Le Pen has largely destroyed.

Largely, but not completely. There is still an official EU office; the corner table in the branch of sandwich shop Exki near the Schuman roundabout (ironically, Le Pen used some of the money saved from dismantling the EU to finish the roundabout as planned). It is staffed 24/7 by Maroš Šefčovič, and he has a plentiful supply of leaflets.

Le Pen had more in store for the EU after her crushing 2027 presidential election win over Kylian Mbappé (who won a primary against Raphaël Glucksmann to be the unity centrist candidate, which was decided by who could do the most keepie-uppies).

The phrases “non-paper,” “stakeholder” and “trilogue” have been consigned to la poubelle de l’histoire. The European Committee of the Regions and the European Economic and Social Committee were closed down within weeks of Le Pen taking office, which shocked millions of Europeans who had no idea they ever existed. The European Parliament building is still there but is now occupied by a strange breed of zombie-like creatures wandering aimlessly through the corridors in search of something to do. No one can tell the difference.

Von der Leyen was, as Le Pen promised would happen, sent back to Germany where — in a somewhat unexpected move — she has become chancellor, succeeding Angela Merkel, who herself came out of retirement and orchestrated a coup to bring down current Chancellor Friedrich Merz.

Anyway, back to 2026 and an EU reeling from a Le Pen speech in which she pledged to turn the Commission into a “secretariat” in the service of its member countries, and scrap some institutions altogether.

Le Pen gave her speech in Brussels on Wednesday and caught the train from Paris to Gare du Midi — if you haven’t been, imagine what the train station in Hell would look like, but with paninis. According to POLITICO’s railways correspondent, Miles Trackman, Le Pen was close to running into Michel Barnier, a former French prime minister (and who among us hasn’t been French prime minister?) and fervent Europhile who was spotted at the Paris station at the same time.

The question being asked in Brussels circles (and everything in Brussels goes around in circles) is: “Will Le Pen do a Meloni?” — as in, will she soften her stance if elected? The future of the Schuman roundabout may depend on it.

CAPTION COMPETITION

“This? Just an ordinary car. Definitely not a getaway car. Why would I need to get away? It’s not as if I’m a lame duck whose country is on fire.”

Can you do better? Email us at pdallison@politico.eu or get in touch on X @POLITICOEurope.

Last time, we gave you this photo:

Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best one from our mailbag — there’s no prize except the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far preferable to cash or booze.

“The drinks are on me. The bugs are on you.”  

by Giovanni Cellini

Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.

This column has, once again, been overlooked for the Nobel Prize in Literature — although there’s still hope for the Peace Prize.

Asked by Declassified if it could justify this blatant discrimination, the Nobel committee hung up the phone.

Politicians can, of course, make great writers, and several have won Nobel’s literature prize, including Britain’s Winston Churchill in 1953, and Peru’s Mario Vargas Llosa in 2010. The latter — who ran for president in 1990 — won the prize “for his cartography of structures of power and his trenchant images of the individual’s resistance, revolt, and defeat.” But has he ever referred to British Conservative grandee Jacob Rees-Mogg as a “Haunted Pencil”? No, he has not.

There are, however, a lot of very bad books written by politicians.

Former British Prime Minister Boris Johnson — very much the “Winston Churchill if you ordered him off Temu” — published a book in 2004 called “Seventy-Two Virgins — A Comedy of Errors” (the last four words also being the summary of his Covid policy) about a terrorist group targeting the U.S. president on a visit to London. It was described in the Guardian some 15 years later — after Johnson became prime minister — as ” sexist, racist, fundamentally undiplomatic.”

But the undisputed king when it comes to politicians letting out their inner writer is France.

In 2023, Bruno Le Maire, then the country’s economy and finance minister, published the novel “Fugue Américaine,” which drew instant criticism and mockery, mainly because of an explicit sex scene (unhappy French people were quick to point out that they had been screwed by the government for years).

Then there’s Marlène Schiappa, former government minister and writer of raunchy books under the pen name Marie Minelli, with titles such as “Osez les sexfriends,” “Sexe, mensonge et banlieues chaudes” and “Comment transformer votre mec en Brad Pitt en 30 jours.” When she was junior social affairs minister, Schiappa appeared on the cover of Playboy, although she was not naked in the magazine (great news for those who buy Playboy only for the articles). 

Former President Valéry Giscard d’Estaing published several erotic novels, including “La Princesse et le Président,” which features sex scenes set in the presidential palace.

But perhaps the most intriguing of all is current President Emmanuel Macron, whose erotic novel about the early days of his romance with Brigitte has, alas, never seen the light of day. Perhaps he’s keeping it back for political gain and will promise to publish the steamy tome if the people of France promise to vote for a centrist candidate in April’s election.

CAPTION COMPETITION

“Hello, my name is Vladimir, and I’m looking to date someone who shares my interests: Horse riding, driving vintage cars and war.”

Can you do better? Email us at pdallison@politico.eu or get in touch on X @POLITICOEurope.

Last time, we gave you this photo:

Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best one from our mailbag — there’s no prize except the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far preferable to cash or booze.

“And now, let’s pray the opposition don’t get to 42%.”

by David Kemp