Welcome to LOST WEEKEND, VICE’s hungover news briefing.

It must be said that when it comes to female erections, I am far from an expert. So I was obviously intrigued when I received an email from Bryan Johnson‘s girlfriend late last week about lady boners. Just what are they, and what should be done about them?

Kate Tolo is probably well placed to answer that question, as she is officially in the “top 1% of all vaginas”—a bold claim made by her tech-millionaire-and-longevity-enthusiast partner, with whom she co-founded the longevity brand Blueprint.

This is her vaginal microbiome report. 100/100 score.

Top 1% of all vaginas.

Her sample is dominated by the single most protective bacterial species a vagina can host (Lactobacillus crispatus).

Only about 25-30% of reproductive age women globally are L. crispatus-dominant,… pic.twitter.com/Pt1JbKM5y0

— Bryan Johnson (@bryan_johnson) April 30, 2026

Tolo is on a mission to be the world’s most measured woman (it’s great when a couple has a shared hobby). As part of this, she’s harvesting data on her own nighttime erections. No, not using “bean calipers,” as Bryan’s freaky online fanboys have suggested, but with a piece of $15,000 lab equipment—for context, the device Bryan uses costs just $275.

The 49-year-old, who claims to have a 22-year-old’s dick, says this price gap sums up the current status of female health, which is primed for a revolution. “If nighttime genital blood flow predicts heart disease in women the way erectile function does in men, this is one of the most important measurements we’re looking at.” I love it when he talks dirty like that.

@katetolo

welcome to my room

♬ original sound – Kate Tolo

But as much as I like to poke fun at the whole longevity movement, improving our understanding of women’s health feels like something that could genuinely benefit millions of people. So I got Kate on the phone to find out more about her “techno tampon.”

VICE: So, female erections?
Kate Tolo: The clitoral area has the same erectile tissue as in men. Women go through the same erection cycles, particularly during REM sleep. Men wake up with morning wood; women wake up with the morning bean. Men’s erectile issues can predict heart attacks by two to five years. Is this true for women too? We have the same vascular network, so theoretically, it could be. Science hasn’t looked into it yet.

What’s the difference in longevity for men versus women?
I’ve never been about optimizing or longevity for women. I’ve been about, “What the hell is going on with our bodies?” We have not characterized the female body to the same degree as the male body. It’s extremely hard to measure a female body. The infrastructure is not built for that purpose.

And this “techno tampon” is gonna change that?
It looks like a tampon and has a light and a sensor. Because light is absorbed by blood, you’re able to deduce how much blood flow there is. It’s really archaic. Bryan measures his erections with a $275 wireless device that gives him an erection score. Mine’s like $15,000, with a long wire taped to my leg and software that looks like it’s from the 1970s. It took us three months to get it running. It disrupts my sleep and is not fun to wear.

Outside of this device, what does your female health protocol look like?
I measure around 1,900 biomarkers. I have a five-hour morning routine. Everything stays the same: food, water, exercise, schedule. At 6.30AM, the alarm goes off, and the F1 race starts.

Does optimization present challenges to your romantic relationship? Not sharing a bed for sleep quality, every romantic meal is Nutty Pudding…
It’s kind of cute. We’re living parallel paths. We have this ritual where we check his resting heart rate before bed. He can’t look at his phone because of the blue light, so he closes his eyes, and I’m like, “Alright, it’s 44, it’s 43…” We have all these weird rituals that only the two of us can possibly appreciate.

That sounds strangely romantic. Are you always chill about Bryan posting about you? “The 1%” is the famous one.
Sometimes I meet people in real life, and I can just tell they’re thinking about these tweets that have gone viral. He never posts about me without checking with me first. A lot of men don’t know about endometriosis—we’ve genuinely moved the needle on that. I support trying to gather as much attention around these things as possible.

I saw these tweets: “If Bryan Johnson solves endometriosis, all of his experiments will be worth it,” and “Okay, he can be crazy in peace forever if he keeps this up”—people seem to see him differently now.
Bryan and I started the business together and only started a relationship after that. I’m a shy person, and we kept things private for the first three or four years. That let us go through the normal turmoil of a relationship and be like, “We’re locked in. We’re good.” Once I came into the picture, they were like, “Oh, right. He cares about someone, and this is his person.” We’ve been doing this together from day one. It’s been both our brains—as a love project, ultimately.

Does being in love complicate the idea of wanting to live forever?
We have an 18-year age gap—that means something when you think about life and death. The funny thing about this project is none of us will get definitive answers for, like, 80 years.

So how do you make sure these findings benefit as many women as possible?
I am trying my hardest to get the word out there. The techno tampon is interesting because I grew up Catholic, and so I know how much taboo there is around sex. This is nonsexual and could be a really important cardiac marker for women to know.

OTHER NEWS

• One of the internet’s most annoying children, Jack Doherty, is supposedly banned from posting after signing a deal with a casino without reading the fine print, a blunder which is ultimately great promotion for both parties. Now, who wants to pay me to log off?
• Why walk around the world like Karl Bushby, who is back in the UK after 28 years, when you could just “visit” all these countries using AI, never leaving the comfort of your own home, or experiencing a single real thing, and still somehow ending up with a bigger carbon footprint in the process?

PREDICTION FOR THE WEEK AHEAD

• Bored and with nothing better to do after curing cancer, scientists will start shooting smack because, unfortunately, AI is unable to solve the fundamental problem of the ultimate futility of all human existence.  

BRAND NEW SENTENCE

• “This disgusting spectacle will involve rolling him out in a wheelchair, then live-streaming his body as it’s pumped full of bullets.”

BONUS PREDICTION: A BIG NIGHT FOR ERECTION HAVERS

• Bryan Johnson and Kate Tolo will take their relationship to the next level becoming DJ partners. Their Berghain set will consist of 140 bpm techno transmitted directly to erection measuring devices. 

Follow Adam on Instagram @yungtolstoi

The post Exploring the Mysteries of the Female Erection With Bryan Johnson’s Girlfriend appeared first on VICE.

Welcome to LOST WEEKEND, VICE’s Monday briefing.

Forget about curing cancer and ending war; what I really need from AI is it to get me a ticket for the Glastonbury Festival.

If I had my way, Glastonbury would become a gathering of the 210,000 most effective users of agentic AI in the world. The hippies and hedonists who’ve hogged it for the last however many decades have had their turn. Newsflash, wastoids: There are plenty of other parties where you can torch your brain cells and pump your biological age up a full generational bracket. Surely what I’m saying isn’t even that controversial. The true spirit of Glastonbury is transformation. And what could be more transformative for Western Europe than its very own Burning Man?

The second- and third-order benefits are difficult to compute. In my brave new world, Glasto would simply be attended by a better quality of person, the whole thing undergoing a kind of demographic transfusion: partygoers out, go-getters in. What, you thought us AI guys would be handing over our entrepreneurial smarts at the gate? Before you know it, we’ll be monetizing the portaloos, converting human waste into revenue for the suits in charge. We’ll be bussing in blood boys to turn the VIP into a hangover-free zone. The chat at sunrise will be like nothing the Stone Circle has ever heard before, as tech-bro visionaries debate the merits of psychedelic drugs and whether or not we’re living in a simulation.

“Before you know it, we’ll be monetizing the portaloos, converting human waste into revenue for the suits in charge”

No doubt there will be naysayers. The usual suspects will complain that entry to Glastonbury should be determined by how much each potential consumer actually cares about music (yawn). But this would result in the most suboptimal festival in living memory, with disparate clusters of black metal connoisseurs and Japanese noise aficionados stumbling across the 600-hectare site, blinking like trapped moles. Some folks are just better off in their bedrooms.

I don’t know why people are crying about the price of tickets, which are just £408, or to put it another way, less than an annual subscription to GPT Plus. Fortunately, there is little need to worry about depressing brokies these days, after security tightened up around the turn of the century, cutting off the kind of audacious freeloaders who loved music so much they were prepared to pole-vault a moat of human excrement to listen to some.

Increasingly, the tides are shifting in our direction. Putting tickets for the world’s biggest festival on sale at 9AM on a Sunday felt like a message to the pill-poppers and freakniks that they’re no longer welcome; no doubt most of them were too busy sleeping off their hangovers to log into a platoon of devices and stare at a set of unmoving green bars for four hours. Even if the queue contained the odd degenerate who’d been awake all night, I’m confident they couldn’t have successfully navigated a purchase that didn’t involve at least one Albanian man. Which is great, as these are the last people you’d actually want to hang out with at a festival. 

Simon Reynolds on ‘Heroin’, Rock’s Most Evil Song

Since the introduction of ID verification, buying tickets for Glastonbury has been a test of how effectively you can organize friends and family members into your very own home bot-farm operation. AI puts an end to that. There will be no more screaming at grandmother because her arthritic fingers can’t enter the registration numbers fast enough to complete a purchase on her Kindle’s internet browser. AI can do that job way better, then book flights to Ghent so we can euthanize her.

There was a last-minute change to the system this year, but it was easy enough to get around. The new “hack” was to gather up as many unused registrations as possible—begging, bribing, or blackmailing anyone who’s had kids or got sober since the last instalment of the festival in 2025—and making use of the extra unique queue numbers. I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of an underground trade in the registration numbers of the recently deceased. Did you know they eat their fries with mayonnaise in Belgium?

“I don’t know why people are crying about the price of tickets, which are just £408, or to put it another way, less than an annual subscription to GPT Plus”

I learned that this week. AI agents are already making dinner reservations. Once they work out how to get into Glastonbury, you’ll know the singularity isn’t far away. AI can refresh a browser window faster than any human in history, so hopefully next year, the ticket rush will be a thing of the past. And if you drugged-out doomers don’t like the sound of that, you can stay home and watch on the BBC—as long as your agent has sorted out the license renewal.

OTHER NEWS

• Shout out to Kid Rock collaborating with Eminem for some religious rap about staying friends despite having political differences. Gonna be one of my least favorite genres.
• FBI Director Kash Patel just got engaged to country singer Alexis Wilkins, which implies the existence of unfathomably hideous his-and-hers customized Nikes (good luck finding a wedding dress to go with them).
• London’s underground art fair, Minor Attractions, returns this month and will include live music for the first time—one of the venues is the kinky co-working space STÜCK (which we’ve written about before), which I guess makes sense as it’s a pretty… fluid space. 

PREDICTION FOR THE WEEK AHEAD

• After the release of single “Patient Zero”—which tragically coincided with the death of a scientist at a Russian plague laboratory—Taylor Swift’s new track, “Mass Extinction Event”, is an unexpected return to form (streaming numbers are down though after millions die from Black Death 2.0).

BRAND NEW SENTENCE

• “The two-year-old robots were trained to throw themselves into molten steel after no longer serving a purpose”

Follow Adam on Instagram @yungtolstoi

The post When Is Glastonbury Going to Let My AI Agent Buy Tickets? appeared first on VICE.