Welcome to RATED AND SLATED, the column that is terminally online so you don’t have to be.

So apparently there’s this new scientific study shows that online videos can mess with your brain, which is obviously nonsense:

brain-rot videos literally suppress activity in the parts of your brain responsible for cognitive control, the systems that help you resist impulses

fascinating

if used properly, short-form video seems almost perfectly designed as a cyberweapon: capture attention, weaken… https://t.co/v5yX7fBmRn pic.twitter.com/doYiEmFt1u

— vittorio (@IterIntellectus) August 18, 2026

I mean, who could possibly believe the suggestion that brainrot videos “literally suppress activity in the parts of your brain responsible for cognitive control, the systems that help you resist impulses?”

It’s not like I recently went to a music festival and, instead of enjoying Turnstile and Lorde, just held my mobile phone up in front of my face and watched videos of Tommy Lee playing bongos for a chimpanzee.

No, I also spent a significant amount of time with my headphones in, listening to ambient reimaginings of Limp Bizkit tracks.

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But none of this influenced my behavior negatively. It’s just a coincidence that I gorged myself on oysters and Chardonnay until I shit my pants and had to be hosed down while screaming about how “my body is a machine for turning natural wine into a natural disaster.”

Further research is clearly needed. Don’t worry nerds, I got you.

rated

HOW RAP BEEF SOUNDS WHEN YOU’RE 40

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If you’re rapidly hurtling towards your fourth decade in the doomed planet simulator, you might find this video funny. But whatever you do, don’t actually laugh at it. To our omnipotent, all-seeing machine overlords, the sound will be proof that you’re ready for the liquefaction process, whereby you’ll be reduced to a human lather they use to cool the servers.

“DANGER CAN”

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When I saw the footage of Hannah Einbinder talking about her favorite “dipping sauce,” I assumed, like everyone else, that she was simply trying to become a reaction GIF—now I wonder if she’s been playing “danger can” with her new podcast pals. After spending an evening smashing an entire six-pack against your frontal cortex, you might well find yourself drooling in front of a pot of ranch dressing, trying to work out how to operate a pizza crust.

TIME TO LOG OFF

https://t.co/xZFTZ4srpb pic.twitter.com/s8hWQP74Gh

— Enguerrand VII de Coucy (@ingelramdecoucy) August 17, 2026

They say you know you’ve been online too long when you mourn lost webpages like dead friends. I say now you know why I’ve been drinking 12 beers and crying in the street every night this week.

THE TOM WILLIS TALK SHOW

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London literary impresario Tom Willis is launching his own talk show, which means that surely it’s time for London’s version of Future Islands—Jimothy Lacoste—to have his own Letterman moment, growling around onstage like he’s possessed by the ghost of Martin Amis. For those of us haunted by the memory of a dead literary culture, life is getting quite exciting right now.

SKIPPING LEG DAY WITH GLENN DANZIG

Danzig's workouts are the most straight guy gymbro routine ever, I may replicate it some day for fun. Entirely ipper body, with training legs replaced by kicking a punching bag and occasional cardio, all inspired by Nietzsche and Arnold Schwarzenegger. https://t.co/gN6TjRt5WO pic.twitter.com/yimDGo6G0P

— AgNONsis (@aGnonSIS) August 18, 2026

Danzig is what, 5 foot 3 or something? So he’s probably not used to touching the ceiling very often. He’s skipping leg day, too, so he won’t be beating Clavicular’s record for the vertical jump anytime soon. Still, most manlets would probably be better off following his workout routine than taking advice from the famous monsters on TikTok and Kick. Look kid, the original Misfits are the only ones worth listening to.

slated

YE’S BEAUTIFUL DARK TWISTED RUSSIAN FANTASY

ALL OF THE LIGHTS pic.twitter.com/bhgVSggVy0

— ye (@kanyewest) August 17, 2026

With Ye announcing new tour dates in St. Petersburg, it’s good to see that he’s got his mobile air-defense system sorted out so no one will have to worry about drones when they’re “Putin their hands to the constellations.”

A TRILLION HUMANS IN THE SOLAR SYSTEM

Jeff Bezos on why he wants a trillion humans in the solar system

"I would love to see a trillion humans living in the solar system. If we had a trillion humans, we would have at any given time a 1,000 Mozarts and a 1,000 Einsteins"

"Our solar system would be full of life and… pic.twitter.com/EzgG77N4Pc

— Jaynit (@jaynitx) August 15, 2026

1,000 Mozarts and 1,000 Einsteins? Sounds like one of those Epic Warz videos with a Wolfgang Amadeus horde battling an army of Alberts to the death. Which side are you on, my friend? The piano-playing poo-joke man? Or the guy who nuked Japan?

BLOC PARTY’S UK POO BANGER

We’ve lived long enough to see Bloc Party turn into UK Poo pic.twitter.com/vNnN8snhlU

— Callum (@CaliJ98) August 17, 2026

H.R, you’re finally awake! You hit your head pretty hard while practicing that backflip. UK poo? Bloc Party? Kele Okereke sitting by the sea in his Bad Brains T-shirt singing about “Pigwig”? C’mon bro, get up, we’ve got to go on stage at CBGBs and inspire future generations of guitar bands to keep spreading that sweet P.M.A..

GOTH BADDIES

Holy shit pic.twitter.com/0F5yBJpbvo

— Crocodile Dungarees (@CrocodileDungri) August 13, 2026

We used to argue over whether the kids who shot up Columbine were or weren’t goths, now I’m sliding into the Twitch chat demanding that alt-girl streamers name me three Marilyn Manson songs. These days, it’s impossible to tell who’s shooting content for OnlyFans and who’s doing target practice in the woods.

AI LAPTOP OTTER ON A PLANE

rapid progress, yet I cannot name a single AI-generated video that has moved me and lingered in my memory as something honestly worth watching, nor even a single good adaptation of an existing work

at some point "rapid progress" in tech demos is insufficient. will there be art? https://t.co/wFqICO4RLC

— Jack (@tracewoodgrains) August 17, 2026

Can u imagine terrorists tryin to hijack a plane that the laptop otter was on? Box cutters vs cutest little remote worker on the planet? Game over, AI.

Follow Adam on Instagram @yungtolstoi

The post Rated and Slated: Things We Hate and Love Online This Week appeared first on VICE.

Welcome to RATED AND SLATED, the column that is terminally online so you don’t have to be.

Whenever the reply guys have me feeling bad about my “pathetic excuse of a career,” I think, “oh well, at least I’m not a political journalist.”

I mean, you sacrifice your health, jeopardize your social life, and miss out on time with the family to get on the White House beat where you can enjoy such perks as inhaling Donald Trump’s recycled hamburger breath during an intercontinental flight on Air Force One. 

But the president neither respects nor understands your work and, when the credible threat of an Iranian missile being fired at the plane is detected, he’ll happily sacrifice your life, swapping flights by hiding in the catering truck like a weird, morbidly obese James Bond. 

So I think I’ll just stick to writing about dank memes and AI videos, since brainrot appears to be the only thing that the U.S. and Iran can agree on.

rated

Yung Lean’s “Robotboy”

Yung Lean releases his cover of “Robotboy” by Robyn. https://t.co/e7kaOg1I0H

— Pop Crave (@PopCrave) August 12, 2026

On this new cover of Robyn’s “Robotboy,” Jonatan somehow sounds both younger and older than ever before. Robyn says that the track is like he’s “singing this lullaby to the person he once was.” It reminds me of those little tunes we used to chant in the playground while playing childish games as a way of slowly learning about the grown-up world. Dude famously looks like the kid from the Bully video game, but somehow, through all the scraps and brawls, he’s managed to keep a hold of his innocence. When you’re listening to Yung Lean, you can tell he’s in your corner. Gang! 

MARIO 64: WAR ON TERROR

nintendo lawyers having an aneurism as we speak pic.twitter.com/TzSLIENDks

— Sam Steffanina (@SamSteffanina) August 9, 2026

Gamers spent the 90s arguing about which was the superior console, Nintendo or Sega, but after the horrors of 9/11 it was Super Mario who hunted down and executed Osama bin Laden—where was the coward Sonic through all of this? You might be fast, hedgehog boy, but these colors don’t run.

DRINKING ALCOHOL AGAIN AFTER SEVEN YEARS SOBER

Brad Pitt says he's drinking alcohol again after seven years sober.

Read more: https://t.co/CKU8drIBdM pic.twitter.com/bgrx4HSjcY

— TMZ (@TMZ) August 10, 2026

If this photograph is anything to go by then Brad Pitt is spending his first night “back off the wagon” sinking Millers down the bowling alley with his friends Donny and The Dude. He claims to be drinking “in a more restrained manner,” but if someone’s toe slips over the line in a league game then he’s pulling out a handgun and warning them that they’re about to enter a world of pain.

“THE WILL TO POWER(CHORD)”

He right pic.twitter.com/bSo7vajDAr

— r̷̳̆ó̶͎m̵̞̀e̶̫͗o̵̱̚~̵̦͒d̷͕͋ỉ̶̳à̵͍b̴̧̀l̸̰̚o̵͇̐s̷ (@romeodiablos_) August 10, 2026

Short video content is great: where once you had to spend an evening getting stoned with a Vietnam veteran to learn how Jimi Hendrix’s guitar tones let you reach higher levels of consciousness through astral projection like in the CIA’s Gateway Process, now you can access this kind of forbidden knowledge from the comfort of your own bathroom. Before you’ve queued “Purple Haze” on the Bluetooth speaker, the algorithm has served up a new video of Sydney Sweeney in swimwear and now you’re lying in the tub tugging one out. Talk about the Ultimate Dionysian sound bath. 

LIVING TO 122

pic.twitter.com/G73y72E1MV

— The Internet Fish (@TheInternetFish) August 10, 2026

No one tell this guy about Jeanne Calment. If he finds out that a French woman lived to age 122 (and that she was a smoker) then we’re not talking about a reaction video so much as picking up actual bits of his exploded head off the laptop screen. I’ll be covering my mouth in shock as pieces of skull and grey matter fly towards the camera, like damn maybe how long you live isn’t as important as the way you pass.

slated

“SOMETHING IN THE WAY” BY CHET HANKS

pic.twitter.com/5VqIo4lUQB

— skeletonheads (@skeletonheads) August 11, 2026

I quit being a pescatarian after learning that Kurt Cobain’s claim that fish don’t have any feelings is not strictly scientifically accurate. They can feel pain, and so can the jacked failson of a famous Hollywood actor, so I’ll refrain from saying how I really feeling about Chet’s version of “Something in the Way,” except to point out that if you’re recording Nirvana covers that sound like they’re being played by Limp Bizkit bassist Sam Rivers (RIP) then something has gone very badly wrong. In fact, the only way your white boy summer could have turned out worse would be if you ended up living underneath an actual bridge.

THE CINDY WORKOUT

Tom Holland reveals his go-to workout for when he’s short on time.

“I do a CrossFit workout called Cindy. It's five pull-ups, 10 push-ups, 15 squats, as many times as you can in 20 minutes. I think my record is 27 rounds.”

[: @olivertrevena ] pic.twitter.com/ljFIgDBSYr

— Complex (@Complex) August 11, 2026

Actually, Cindy wasn’t the name of the workout, but the personal trainer who was inexplicably wearing high-heeled boots and latex mini-dress and kept hitting me with a riding crop the whole time I was exercising in her dungeon (they’ll call gyms anything these days). Afterwards, I was completely monstered, and come to think of it, this is the first CrossFit session where I needed a safe word. Maybe I should’ve known something was up when she made me put on a ball gag. Well, I’ll be back there tomorrow. After all, fitness is a lifelong commitment.

KENDRICK LAMAR’S “NOT LIKE US“ AS A SORORITY RUSH ANTHEM

You may live to see man-made horrors beyond your comprehension https://t.co/Lue5kBYFNV

— em (@NoemiTitarenco) August 10, 2026

You might not have realised, but in the title of Kendrick Lamar’s infamous 2024 diss track, the “us” does actually include sorority girls. In fact, the “they” is really only Canadians. Now the campus has been cleared of colonizers (including Drake), college baddies with matching tracksuits and perfectly straightened hair can perform choreographed dances with their mobile phone torches to celebrate The Culture. 

“HOW YEAT SOUNDS WHEN UR NOT 15 ANYMORE”

My brain is fried cause this song’s so tuff https://t.co/tuTLn2F4GG

— Tervis Scoot (@tervisscoot) August 9, 2026

Don’t worry, if you think AI Family Guy rage-rap is “tuff” then you’re probably not alone. The more brain-fried reaction is to look at the above post and assume that it’s not about the 21st century American rapper Yeat, but rather the 20th century Irish poet W. B. Yeats. “Things fall apart,” that much is clear either way. “The centre cannot hold, bitch!”

Speaking about the unexpected collision between bad rapping and the kind of beautiful art no one cares about any more because the literacy rate is in hell…

WILL THE REAL STEPHEN DEDALUS PLEASE STAND UP?

This is all Eminem’s fault btw pic.twitter.com/G6IjRk8Hwy

— NoMoreMelo (@MeloNotServing) August 10, 2026

It’s bad news for the lit bros. While you’re still struggling to get through Ulysses with the aid of multiple reading guides, this kid has already polished off Finnegans Wake and now he’s rapping about it. If that doesn’t have you feeling as pitiful as Leopold Bloom, then just wait for his next trick: a devastating couplet rhyming “cuck” with “bababadalgharaghtakamminarronnkonnbronntonnerronntuonnthunntrovarrhounawnskawntoohoohoordenenthurnuk.” (At which point, it might be time for the James Joyce estate to look into what how these LLMs are being trained). 

Follow Adam on Instagram @yungtolstoi

The post Rated and Slated: Things We Hate and Love Online This Week appeared first on VICE.