Can you imagine a dating trend more evil than ghosting? Unfortunately, “cloaking” takes the cake on this one.
This dating trend was coined by Rachel Thompson “after a truly terrible dating experience.” In a video for Mashable, she defined cloaking as “being stood up—but extra.”
Here’s how to spot the common yet hurtful behavior in your own dating life, and why it’s becoming so common today.
What Is the ‘Cloaking’ Dating Trend?
According to Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, Harvard-trained clinical psychologist and relationship expert at Hily Dating App, “[cloaking] is when a person decides to sever all connection with you.”
“It often occurs after they stand you up for a date,” she adds. “Instead of maintaining ties, and potentially dealing with the consequences of their actions, they block you on the app where you initially met.”
As someone who actually has a heart and good communication skills, you might be wondering: Why do people engage in this avoidant behavior?
“Most often this results from self-protection after negative past experiences,” Dr. Romanoff explains. “If you’ve had a history of someone bombarding you with angry messages, trying to dox your account, posting about your wrongdoings online, or trying to report you, it makes sense why you might be inclined to cloak away from the harm and avoid the consequences of your actions.”
Cloaking Vs. Ghosting
Cloaking is similar to ghosting in that it involves cutting all ties with a connection. However, it’s actually much more sinister in nature, backed by malicious or self-serving intentions.
“Ghosting is a step below cloaking in intent and energy level as ghosting is a much more passive response,” says Dr. Romanoff. “Ghosting is when a person is conflict-avoidant and keeps you in the grey space-wondering if they will ever reach out again. The window is still open when it comes to ghosting, whereas cloaking is intentional, deliberate, and final. It’s much harsher and often a response to them avoiding the embarrassment of the consequences of their actions.”
Are You Being Cloaked?
If you’re even wondering whether someone might be “cloaking” you, it’s probably a sign to distance yourself from them. When someone cuts ties without any communication—while simultaneously removing your access to them—they’re making their disinterest painfully clear.
“It’s glaringly simple, which sometimes can be the hardest thing to accept,” says Dr. Romanoff. “If they make a plan, no show, and then remove any connection or trace you had of them on the app where you originally connected, you’ve been cloaked.”
And look, I get it: many of us crave a conversation, closure, or even some form of justice after being disrespected and discarded by another person. But your best bet is to shake off the rejection, knowing it has nothing to do with you, and pour your energy into healthier connections.
“The automatic pull is to feel wounded and to want to win them over,” Dr. Romanoff explains. “It’s essential that you shift, instead, to disgust and feel turned off. This isn’t how your life partner would treat you or make you feel. This person lacks accountability or thoughtfulness. You just aren’t a match long term.”
And if they try circling back in a few months, hit them with the same behavior by blocking them in return. You don’t need that selfish, cruel energy in your dating life.
All these “dating trends” are enough to make even the most hopeless of romantics want to lock themselves away for a life in solitude—and today’s is no exception. While it certainly doesn’t need a label, the dating/breakup tactic called “fizzling” is an incredibly common and hurtful way to end a relationship. In fact, the term describes a pattern that’s been around for a long while.
Here’s what you should know about the “fizzling” in dating, and why it’s so casually cruel.
What Is the ‘Fizzling’ Dating Trend?
The fizzling dating trend is essentially a cowardly (yeah, I said it) way of steadily backing out of a relationship without confrontation or discussion. Rather than being upfront about their disinterest or wavering feelings, these partners choose to pull away at an agonizingly slow pace.
“Fizzling is when someone gradually fades away with communication, effort, and affection, which essentially initiates a ‘non-breakup’ without having an explicit conversation about it,” says Julie Nguyen, a certified dating coach at Hily Dating App. “Instead of directly ending the relationship, they slowly distance themselves.”
While fizzling is essentially the complete opposite of ghosting (which involves cutting all communication and ties to a partner without any conversation), it can be just as—if not more—painful. If ghosting is quickly ripping off the band-aid, then fizzling is slowly pulling it from your skin, so you feel every tug, rip, and tear—all while questioning what’s actually happening.
“Fizzling keeps someone in limbo and uncertainty, which makes them question their reality and connection with themselves,” says Nguyen. “The person offers mixed signals while slowly cutting the other person out of their life, which leaves you holding onto hope and confusion about where you stand.”
Why Someone Might ‘Fizzle’ Their Way Out of a Relationship
There are many reasons someone might choose to “fizzle” their way through a breakup, ranging from immaturity and cowardice to poor communication skills and fear. Though they might not have malicious intent, the negative impact is just the same.
“People fizzle because they want to avoid conflict, have avoidant tendencies, are not the most direct communicators, and don’t want to hurt the person, so they feel like this is the best action,” Nguyen explains. “They might believe that pulling away is less hurtful than having an uncomfortable conversation, but it can create more confusion and pain.”
Is Your Partner ‘Fizzling’ You?
As you settle deeper into your commitment, you might notice your partner slowly disengaging or putting less effort into maintaining your connection. But are they fizzling, or are they just growing complacent? Unfortunately, it’s not always easy to spot the difference.
“If you feel like someone is fizzling, you will see the signs that they’re still in the relationship while acting like they don’t have any responsibility for maintaining it, such as slowing down communication, shortening their responses, and making less effort to connect,” says Nguyen. “You’re the only one making plans, initiating conversations, and putting in the effort to keep the connection going.”
To understand whether this is fizzling or just mere laziness, call your partner out on their behavior. Opening the door to communication can help encourage honesty and transparency.
“If this is happening to you, I would suggest being upfront about what you’re noticing and asking them to have a direct conversation, because someone who is fizzling is often avoiding being upfront themselves,” Nguyen says.
A like is about the smallest thing you can do on the internet. It takes half a second to double-tap someone’s photo, and you probably won’t remember doing it five minutes later. Your partner, however, could have a few questions about why you’re liking someone else’s half-naked pictures.
Australian fitness influencer Steph Claire Smith recently discussed it on her podcast, saying she couldn’t care less if her husband, Josh, likes pictures of other women in bikinis. “He thinks I’m the hottest thing in the entire world,” she said. The internet, as always, had thoughts. Some praised her confidence, while others called her a “pick me” girl.
That’s the thing about social media likes. One person sees a harmless double-tap, while another wonders why their partner is giving so much attention to someone they find attractive. Neither necessarily knows what the other person is thinking.
Why Liking Someone Else’s Thirst Traps Can Be a Bigger Deal Than You Think
A survey of 2,000 British adults found that only 6% considered liking another person’s social media post a form of infidelity. But when Bustle asked 283 readers what they considered cheating, Instagram likes were among the behaviors people couldn’t agree on.
One reader explained that liking someone’s photo could be an attempt to get their attention or something completely innocent, “and there’s no way to know which one it is.”
That’s how a mindless Instagram like can become an argument about trust. Your partner could be scrolling through photos on the toilet and barely paying attention, or they could be hoping the ridiculously attractive person they’ve been following for six months notices them. From the outside, both look exactly the same.
Intent matters here, too. As Psychology Today explains, flirting online can fall into what’s called micro-cheating. And if you’ve already caught your partner sneaking around in someone’s DMs, seeing them liking that person’s half-naked photos is probably going to piss you off.
Curiosity can get the better of you, too, especially when Instagram gives you so many opportunities to snoop. Researchers found that spending more time on Facebook was associated with greater romantic jealousy, which encouraged people to check up on their partners even more. Co-author Amy Muise described it as a “feedback loop.”
Anyone who’s spent too long scrolling through their partner’s following list knows how easy it is to get carried away. As awkward as it might be, you could just ask them straight up.
Couples therapist Biannka Brannigan told Body+Soul that “something that felt perfectly acceptable yesterday might feel uncomfortable today.” So if your partner’s Instagram habits are bothering you, there’s nothing crazy about bringing it up. Just be prepared to hear that they might see things differently.
Some couples couldn’t care less about bikini photos. For others, liking them crosses a line. The important thing is that both people know where the other stands.
Few topics get men online as heated as what happened to their penis when they were a few days old. Circumcision has inspired years of arguments over sexual pleasure and sensitivity, with both sides convinced they’ve got the better deal. Now, researchers have revisited the science, and the bad news is the findings probably won’t settle the debate.
A 2025 analysis of 15 studies involving nearly 15,000 men found something that might surprise people on both sides. Circumcised men reported slightly higher sexual satisfaction and erectile function scores, along with less pain during sex. But as Psychology Today reported, the differences were small, and researchers couldn’t say whether they’d make any noticeable difference in someone’s actual sex life.
The findings aren’t exactly a reason to run out and get circumcised. The differences were small, and the studies didn’t always agree. Even the researchers weren’t sure how much those differences would mean during sex. A guy who’s perfectly happy with his sex life isn’t going to learn about his own experience from a statistical average.
Circumcised Men May Have a Slight Advantage in Bed, New Research Suggests
Earlier studies have been inconsistent. Some men reported problems with sexual pleasure after circumcision, while others noticed little change. Depending on how researchers recruited participants, they may have heard disproportionately from men with strong opinions about the procedure. That’s a pretty difficult thing to account for when you’re asking people to rate something as personal as sex.
Sensitivity has been another source of argument for years. In 2016, researchers at Queen’s University tested 62 men to see how their penises responded to touch and heat. They checked several areas, including the glans and, where present, the foreskin, but didn’t find significant differences in the sensitivity measures they compared between circumcised and uncircumcised men.
“It was my hope that this study would calm people’s fears,” researcher Jennifer Bossio told VICE. Critics questioned whether 62 participants were enough to detect differences. And even if you can measure how sensitive someone’s penis is to heat or touch, that doesn’t necessarily explain how much pleasure they experience during sex.
The American Academy of Pediatrics weighed in back in 2012, saying that circumcision has certain health benefits, although they weren’t significant enough to recommend it for every newborn boy. That policy has since expired. For many families, the decision has as much to do with religious or cultural traditions as with medical advice.
For most men circumcised as infants, somebody else made that decision years ago. And for men who weren’t circumcised, there’s no reason to look at these findings and assume they’re missing out on something. The research doesn’t establish that either group is guaranteed a better sex life, and having a foreskin certainly isn’t a sexual disadvantage by default.
If you’re happy with your sex life, there’s no reason to start questioning your penis because some dude on Reddit thinks theirs is better.
Working with your ex is far from ideal. In fact, it’s likely the reason most workers avoid dating their colleagues in the first place. But sometimes, love has other plans, and we get swept up in a workplace romance—which unfortunately often leads to a workplace breakup.
If you’re in this unfortunate situation, here are six ways to survive a workplace breakup.
1. Agree on Boundaries
Boundaries matter in every breakup, but they matter even more in workplace relationships. Take time to discuss your boundaries and limits with your ex before telling coworkers about your breakup.
“One of the most crucial first steps is to discuss your workplace boundaries,” says HR expert Martin Balcome at Bridgewater Talent Integration. “If it was an amicable breakup, you might be able to carry on working together as normal, though this can become harder if one of you starts seeing someone else. For a more difficult and emotional breakup, you might need more space.”
2. Prepare for Awkward Encounters
No matter how mature, friendly, or accommodating you and your ex are, you’ll still face awkward moments as you navigate your breakup—especially as colleagues.
“You don’t need to pretend that everything is fine, but seeing them unexpectedly can be a shock, so simply being prepared with a default greeting or response can make your interaction less awkward,” Balcome says.
3. Don’t Involve Your Coworkers
Though it might be tempting to vent to your work bestie about the ins and outs of your breakup, avoid sharing too much with your coworkers.
“Keep your venting away from the workplace, rather than telling colleagues everything,” says Balcome. “Office gossip can quickly spread and turn your breakup into the hottest topic of conversation, so try not to rely on co-workers as an emotional support group.”
4. Separate Your Feelings From Your Performance
As someone who’s been through a few gut-wrenching breakups (with individuals who thankfully weren’t my coworkers), I know firsthand how difficult it is to focus on work when you’re actively grieving. That said, don’t let your feelings sabotage your career and performance.
“Try to arrange your day so important tasks can be done when there is less chance of being emotionally triggered, or [start] small habits like going for a short walk or practicing quick mindfulness techniques after interacting with them, to reset emotions and bring your focus back to work,” Balcome recommends. “Your career exists independently of your relationship, no matter how closely you work, so it’s essential to protect your performance from your emotions and not let the breakup take over.”
5. Treat Your Ex Like a Colleague, Not an Ex
Just as it’s nearly impossible to see your ex as “just a friend” after a breakup, it’s hard to see them as “just a coworker.” But even if you can’t convince your heart of this shift in roles, your actions must reflect the demotion.
Whether you’re their senior or at the same level on your work team, Balcombe warns against treating your ex differently after the breakup. Don’t retaliate, criticize their work more harshly, or overcompensate by giving them special treatment. Act like they’re just another coworker—because, in the workplace, that’s exactly what they are.
6. Let Yourself Grieve
Just because you’re at work doesn’t mean you won’t experience grief when you bump into your ex. You don’t want your emotions to overshadow your hard work, but you also don’t want to suppress them entirely.
“Don’t try to force yourself to switch off your emotions from 9–5; just concentrate on getting through the workday in a way that protects your emotional well-being as well as your career and professional reputation,” says Balcome. “Give it time, and eventually, your ex will simply become another colleague.”
Comfort in a relationship is a great achievement, but too much of anything can be harmful. Are you worried you or your partner have grown too comfortable—perhaps even complacent—in your relationship? Here are six warning signs to look out for.
1. You Rarely Make an Effort With Intimacy
According to Claire Perelman, a Certified Sex Therapist and Licensed Clinical Social Worker, you’ll know you’re too comfortable in your relationship if this sounds familiar: “Every time you initiate sex, it’s 11 PM at night, and you’re both wearing sweatpants while watching TV.”
Sure, there’s nothing necessarily wrong with this scenario—but it can lead to complacency and a stale sex life.
“Becoming ‘too comfortable’ in a relationship isn’t actually about hearing your partner fart or smelling their BO. It’s when we stop putting in any effort into the relationship and expect it to continue to thrive,” Perelman says. “And when this happens, it will absolutely negatively impact your sex life.”
“Sex needs intention, effort, and time,” Perelman continues. “It’s clear we are ‘too comfortable’ in our relationship when we stop making the space for sex to exist, and start expecting our partner to get turned on without doing any context setting for a connected, fun, flirty time together.”
2. You Assume Your Partner Isn’t Going Anywhere
While security is important in a relationship, it shouldn’t be an excuse to stop trying. In fact, it should motivate you to continue investing in your connection.
“It’s not that you want to live in a hyper-vigilant state, always in fear they will leave,” says Amanda Jablon, LCSW, a California-based psychotherapist. “It’s that it leads to you taking what you have for granted.”
3. You’re No Longer Curious About Your Partner
Some of the most exciting parts of dating are the deep questions and conversations. This curiosity doesn’t have to end just because you’ve been with your partner some time. There will always be more to learn about each other.
“Assuming you know your partner so well that you know how their day went, what they like in bed, and how they’ll respond to each request is a recipe for disconnection,” says Perelman. “When we are first in relationships, we are endlessly curious about each other; there is a whole new universe to explore seated right across the dinner table! But once we settle into a relationship, and possibly become ‘too comfortable,’ we can risk not being curious anymore. Eventually, this leads the relationship to feel stale, isolating, and deeply lonely.”
4. You Rarely Express Your Gratitude
Never assume your partner knows how much you appreciate them—show them as often as you can, and remind yourself how lucky you are to have someone to do life with.
“You chose this person for a reason. Over time, we get used to what we’re given and stop being grateful for it,” says Jablon. “You stop saying thank you, or worse, stop thinking you need to. Not feeling appreciated is one of the biggest sources of conflict I see in couples therapy. Noticing the small things your partner does, and who they are, makes a world of difference.”
5. You Only Discuss Logistics on Dates
Planning regular dates is crucial to maintaining a connection with your partner, but they lose meaning when you spend them discussing mundane tasks or logistics like chores, finances, etc.
“Discussing logistics—who needs to pick up the kids, what state the laundry is in, etc.—is an integral part of a functioning relationship,” says Perelman. “However, when that becomes the only thing you’re discussing—especially when you’re out on a date—it pretty quickly leads to feelings of disconnection and dissatisfaction. Lots of couples do this, and it can stem from feeling so comfortable in the relationship that you believe you have already gotten to know ‘everything’ about your partner.”
Instead, try being curious, as noted above. Ask your partner questions you haven’t explored in some time, or have them fill you in on their latest thoughts, feelings, and opinions.
“I’d encourage couples to start introducing ‘no-logistics’ dates and see how things begin to shift,” Perelman says.
6. You Stopped Taking Care of Yourself
Complacency is common within long-term relationships. As such, we might stop taking care of ourselves, prioritizing our passions, putting effort into date nights, or investing in our future.
“Feeling loved and accepted is wonderful, but you still need to invest in yourself: your physical health, your mental health, the things that help you grow as an individual,” says Jablon. “Partners who keep growing bring more to the relationship.”
If you asked men what they think women want, you’d probably hear some overgeneralized crap about money, being at least 6’2″, having a nice body, and probably money again. The actual answers women gave are cheaper than any of that and much harder to fake
Licensed counselor Suzanne Degges-White, Ph.D., asked 108 women what they wanted from the men in their lives. It was a small, informal survey, but the answers were remarkably consistent. Women kept coming back to one request: listen to us. They also wanted respect and emotional support. Very few had anything to say about looks or the size of a man’s paycheck.
Some of it really shouldn’t need explaining to grown men, but alas.
1. Put the Toolbox Down
One woman said she wanted “understanding and empathetic listening without trying to fix things.” Basically, she wants to complain about her day without her boyfriend explaining how he would’ve handled it better.
You’ve probably seen the viral video It’s Not About the Nail, where a woman has an actual nail sticking out of her forehead while her boyfriend keeps trying to explain the source of her discomfort. It’s an exaggeration, sure, but the point is that sometimes we don’t want to hear anything other than “I’m sorry that’s happening to you, that really sucks.” We know there’s a damn nail.
2. Help Out Without Being Asked
Women also wanted partners who shared responsibilities and participated in decisions. And we’re talking about all the boring stuff that is life.
Remembering to schedule that oil change appointment, for example. Or noticing you’re out of toilet paper and buying more before the other person has to ask. After a while, if you’re the only person responsible for remembering everything, it gets old, especially when you’re living with another full-ass adult.
3. Respect Shouldn’t Be This Difficult
Respect was another big one. Women consistently mentioned wanting their opinions and goals to be taken seriously. They wanted to be treated as equals, plain and simple.
One respondent described wanting “to feel heard and respected,” and another emphasized loyalty and accountability. You should be able to disagree with your partner without insulting her intelligence or acting like you “know better’ than she does.
4. She Wants to Feel Comfortable Being Herself
Feeling safe with a man was another recurring theme in the survey. And women were mostly talking about emotional safety. They wanted to be able to tell their partners what was bothering them without getting laughed at, criticized, or having it thrown back in their faces during the next argument.
One respondent wanted the freedom to pursue interests without being discouraged by her partner’s expectations. If your girlfriend decides at 45 that she’d like to take up roller derby, it doesn’t matter if you think her knees can’t take it. Become her cheerleader and amp her up.
5. It’s Not Necessarily About the Money
Women get labeled as “gold-diggers” all the time. And there are certainly women who are after that. But overall, women just want to feel that sense of security. In a large 2020 study spanning 45 countries, researchers found that women generally placed greater importance on a potential partner’s financial prospects than men did.
But there’s a difference between wanting a wealthy partner and wanting one who’s motivated to do something with his life. Ambition, a decent work ethic, and the ability to support yourself can offer a sense of security that has very little to do with the size of your bank account. A guy who’s working toward something is far more attractive than one with a trust fund and absolutely no desire to get off the couch.
And judging by Degges-White’s survey, all the money in the world won’t make up for being an awful partner.
Attachment styles have become the zodiac signs of modern dating. People are identifying as anxiously attached or dismissive-avoidant before they’ve even exchanged last names. Knowing your own attachment style is great, I guess, but understanding your partner’s could explain why you keep rehashing the same argument.
Psychologist Hal Shorey, Ph.D., recently wrote in Psychology Today that relationship issues can come from assuming your partner is deliberately trying to hurt you. He sees this in couples therapy all the time, especially when one person is anxiously attached, and the other is avoidant. As Amir Levine and Rachel Heller wrote in Attached, “Anxious and avoidant people can bring out the worst in each other.”
You can probably picture it. One person wants to talk right now, while the other would prefer to spend six hours doing literally anything else. The anxious partner gets upset, the avoidant partner withdraws, and both are convinced they’re dating an a**hole.
Shorey says knowing your partner’s attachment style can help you recognize what’s happening before an ordinary disagreement becomes a three-day ordeal. He also emphasizes that understanding someone’s behavior “does not mean you excuse, ignore, or accept that the behavior will continue.” Being avoidant isn’t permission to disappear whenever your girlfriend asks a question.
5 Ways to Keep Your Attachment Styles From Taking Over Every Argument
Stop assuming they’re trying to piss you off. If a partner goes silent during an argument, it can feel insulting, but they may just be overwhelmed. You can still tell them how their silence affects you.
Take a break without disappearing. Marriage and family therapist Laura Heck told HuffPost that taking at least 20 minutes to cool off can help when emotions run high. Agree to finish the conversation later.
Reassure the person who’s worrying. It takes literally two seconds to send a text that you’re running late. That small gesture can do wonders for an anxious partner whose brain jumps to the worst-case scenario. It also reminds them you care, even during arguments.
Pay attention to your own reactions. It’s easy to blame your partner for every argument and not take accountability for your own contributions. Levine told CNN that recognizing your reactions when a relationship feels threatened can help you become more secure.
Don’t diagnose yourselves with a five-minute quiz. Shorey recommends an assessment by a psychologist trained in attachment. An online questionnaire shouldn’t decide your personality.
Attachment styles aren’t permanent assignments, either. Sex therapist Todd Baratz told Nylon, “People often talk about attachment in a very reductive way, in a very oversimplified way.” People can change how they respond to closeness and conflict as they get older.
Knowing why your partner shuts down during arguments could save you both some frustration. You’ll still have to learn how to talk to each other, though. Memorizing a few psychological terms won’t do that for you.
Harmony had just stepped off a four-hour flight when she finally heard from the guy who’d blown off their coffee date that morning. He didn’t text. He sent a voice note, and it was so ridiculous she had to play it for a friend on camera.
The Australian TikToker, @harmonys_homee, had arranged to meet a guy from Hinge for coffee at 8:30 a.m. at Gather & Grounds. At 7:38, she texted to confirm they were still on. No response. She went anyway, had her coffee without him, and just before 11 a.m. sent a message that said, “Coffee was great this morning if you were wondering!”
A little passive-aggressive? Maybe. But after being stood up before 9 a.m., she was entitled to a little sarcasm.
Man Apologizes for Missing Date by Saying He’s Jealous She Attended It
“F***, I’m so sorry,” his voice note began. He’d slept in, hadn’t looked at his phone, and had a 10 a.m. jiu-jitsu session where he’d promised to help someone train for a competition. He described the whole thing as a “very rushed and silly morning for myself,” which is one way to describe forgetting you had a date.
But then came the best excuse of all.
“I’m jealous because I wanted to go to Gather & Grounds before you flew out,” he said. The man who failed to attend his own date was jealous that Harmony had gone without him.
And because the apology hadn’t gotten strange enough, he interrupted himself to mention, “I’m having lunch by the way.” At least that explained the chewing.
Harmony played the recording for her friend Summer, who couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “I’m jealous that you went to our date and I didn’t turn up,” Summer repeated, impersonating him. Then she asked a fair question: “Why does he talk like that?”
Harmony seemed more amused than upset. She figured that even if they’d managed to have coffee, the worst outcome would have been never seeing him again. She also kept his identity private, telling viewers, “No name, no face.”
The comments had opinions. “The way he’s acting like he didn’t stand you up,” one person wrote. Another said they were borrowing “Appointment with jiu-jitsu” as an excuse for the next time they needed to get out of something.
He missed the date, but at least he made it to jiu-jitsu and lunch. Good to know the important appointments were covered.
The spouse who “suddenly” wants a divorce has probably been thinking about it for months, sometimes years. Meanwhile, the other person is still making vacation plans and assuming everything’s fine. Sadly, you’ve been having two completely different experiences in the same marriage.
Marriage therapist Michele Weiner-Davis has written that people sometimes spend years preparing to leave a marriage. Looking back, there might have been signs. Unfortunately, those signs are harder to recognize when you think everything is fine.
1. They’re Making Plans Without You
A separate savings account or major financial decisions made without your input could warrant a conversation. A recent Psychology Today article identifies growing independence as a possible sign that a spouse is preparing to leave.
Your partner can have their own goals. But discovering they’ve been making major life decisions without telling you is an uncomfortable way to realize you’re no longer included in their plans.
2. They Stop Doing the Little Things
Remember when your partner used to bring you coffee or make sure you had dinner if you had to work late? Those gestures can become so routine that you hardly notice them. Until they disappear.
The Gottman Institute found that couples still married six years after their wedding responded to each other’s attempts at connection 86% of the time, compared with 33% among couples who divorced. The coffee seems insignificant, but the attention behind it matters a lot.
3. They Don’t Seem Interested in Touching You
Any marriage can go through dry spells without anybody considering divorce. But when an affectionate partner starts avoiding physical contact altogether, it’s not insane to wonder what’s happening.
Marriage and family therapist Laura Heck told HuffPost that a withdrawing partner’s “body language may be closed off and they may offer zero verbal feedback in conversation.” If there are too many unanswered attempts at affection, you might stop trying, too.
4. You Don’t Even Fight Anymore
After years of arguing about the same things, your partner has stopped putting up much of a fight. You might even feel relieved that you’re finally getting along. But really, they’ve grown so tired of asking for things to change that they’ve given up trying to convince you.
Licensed marriage and family therapist Sharon Yu told Scary Mommy that an unhappy spouse might initially raise concerns gently, then become more direct, and eventually stop bringing them up altogether. If your partner has spent years asking for changes and now seems indifferent, it’s probably time to ask why.
5. They Start Asking if You’re Happy
Sometimes your spouse practically hands you an opportunity to talk about your marriage, and you miss it.
A question like “Are you happy with us?” might catch you off guard if you thought things were going well. But there’s a reason they’re asking. A casual “Yeah, we’re good” could be discouraging if they’ve spent weeks working up the nerve to say something.
Work stress or exhaustion can also affect how affectionate and communicative people are. But several changes happening together could be a big warning sign. As licensed marriage and family therapist Lisa Brookes Kift told Fox News Digital, “If one has fully checked out, they will not be open to repair.”
It’s hard to work on a marriage when you have no idea the other person has been unhappy for years. By the time you find out, they might have little interest in trying again.
If you want to hear someone complain, one of your best bets is to ask one of your single friends what the dating landscape is like right now.
You’ll hear tales of first dates that lead nowhere, conversations that feel like they were ripped from a social media feed, and more and more people resigning themselves to partnerless existence. Even what once seemed like an ever-flowing fount of new romantic possibilities has now dried up: It feels like the days of meeting The One via a dating app are behind us.
We are officially in a romantic slump. As dating coach Lily Womble explains: “Dating can be so exhausting, depleting, demoralizing, and I only think dating apps have increased that experience for single folks.” Despite how discouraging it can be, though, a lot of people still desire partnership.
Womble is the author of Thank You, More Please: A Feminist Guide to Breaking Dumb Dating Rules and Finding Love, and she spoke with Vox about how to overcome dating fatigue. “If you do want to find love in a romantic partnership, there is a more healthful and empowering way to go about it that centers you as the main character,” she explains.
So how do you center yourself? How do you take your dating life off of your phone and into the real world? We answer those questions and more on the latest episode of Explain It to Me, Vox’s weekly call-in podcast.
Below is an excerpt of my conversation with Womble, edited for length and clarity. You can listen to the full episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. If you’d like to submit a question, send an email to askvox@vox.com or call 1-800-618-8545.
If you’re used to dating apps and you want to meet someone in person, how do you make that happen?
Dating in person is a lost art of social connection. I think that our reliance on dating apps has made us all sicker in some ways. These apps are built like slot machines. They’re designed to keep you sitting there with a gallon bag full of quarters and a Big Gulp, hoping to pull the triple cherry and get lucky.
It’s really important to reset your brain [from] dating apps, to get in-person to build new connections. It is as simple and as complicated as three steps.
What are the steps?
Number one: joy-building. Joy is connective. You need to exit your house, get off your couch, and go do something in your town or city that brings you some amount of joy with other people.
It could be something free or something paid. The point is not to be in proximity to hotties at this event. The point is to make a new friendship, to make a new connection, to say, “Hey, how’s it going?” From there, you’re expanding your social circle. The function of a dating app is purely to expand your social circle and expand your opportunity window to meet somebody. Same with expanding your social circle with joy-building.
You never know which 70-year-old you meet at your quilting night in your small town, whose son’s boyfriend’s cousin comes to a party and suddenly you’ve met the love of your life. I met my husband through joy-building. I went to an improv class, I made a friend that introduced me to her social circle, then I met Chris, my husband. Joy-building helps you meet the right people.
Second, you’ve got co-conspiratorship: helping your friends help you better. Now, your friend might say, “I don’t know any single people.” To that, you say, “I don’t either. So let’s co-create creative solutions. We’re both smart. You have a workplace, you have a work conference. Are you looking out for me there? Here’s the kind of person that I’m looking for. Here’s the questions I want you to ask somebody.”
Two of my clients were each other’s co-conspirators. They lived in different states. That didn’t matter because one of them visited the other, and in the airport met an eligible man, asked the qualifying and disqualifying questions, found out he was single, that he was eligible, that he was a good fit, and set them up. They literally started dating. So you need to have co-conspirators, you need to have friends looking out for you. Just like your friend asked you to be in their wedding, you need to ask them to support you in this way too.
Finally, we’ve got flirting, which is the most vomitous, nerve-wracking part of this plan. The good news is that it’s a buildable skill set. It’s not just something that your favorite friend who is so naturally flirty has and you don’t. I think that flirting is essentially a joyful, courageous connection.
People overcomplicate flirting to be this game. But I really believe, and have seen in my own experience, that flirting is just simply approaching somebody, asking a genuine question, and seeing if that person wants to co-create a conversation with you. To see if it’s romantic, you just ask, “Hey, random question. So are you single?” All of this requires 10 seconds of courage to go up to somebody and say, “Hey, you’re cute. I just wanted to come tell you that.” One of my clients did that on a crosswalk with a man that she found cute and they ended up dating.
You make it sound so easy, but that joy-building, that getting out and talking to people, that can be really hard. One, it’s hard to be joyful when it feels like the world is falling apart around us. Also, some of us are more shy than others. And there are people who lost a lot of valuable flirt skill-building time during the pandemic. I hear you, but how do you do it?
We have lost a lot of social skills. Those years that we were in lockdown were reps missed, especially for Gen Z, who literally were in school during that time. I’m a millennial, so I had already cut my teeth in New York circa 2015 with IRL flirting. It does require a rejection resilience plan.
I recommend that people have in the notes app on their phone a plan to be courageous and to know how they’re going to react and care for themselves after a hard moment. There are people, when you flirt or joy-build, who don’t want to be your friend, who don’t want to talk to you, who are uncomfortable themselves. That rejection resilience plan can really prepare you to be courageous and to know that no matter what, you’re going to be okay.
It’s as simple as understanding that your brain’s going to think it’s dying after an experience of rejection. Just say, “I think I’m going to die after rejection. It’s a thought, not a fact.” Then have a plan to be compassionate towards yourself. Self-compassion isn’t just a fluffy phrase. It is a science-backed tool that decreases cortisol, and increases resilience.
I also recommend a flirting ladder to increase your distress tolerance.
How does that work?
Start at the very basic level: I’m going to make eye contact with somebody for one second and then look away. Great, boom, done. That’s the first level on the flirting ladder.
Next level, I’m going to hold it for three seconds. It’s in small steps. Plan to do it in small, bite-sized steps so that you can increase your distress tolerance window. What flirting can be is a practice that you build up gradually towards. So wherever you are on the flirting ladder, if you’ve never made eye contact with somebody, you’re super shy, you’ve never gone up to a cute stranger and said hello, just literally write down five simple steps that you could do this week: eye contact, saying hello. One of my clients did a wink and run.
When you plan to do something courageous and say, “I’m going to do it for 10 seconds and then I can bail,” you’re more likely to do courageous things. You’re more likely to have more connections in your life and you’re more likely to meet the right people for you.
There are two scenes in Jane Schoenbrun‘s “Teenage Sex and Death at Camp Miasma” that I hope will be among the first things to flash through my mind at the hour of my death, somewhere right after “oh sh*t,” and just before all of my dead pets and family members appear before me to take me back home.
In the first of these scenes, Kris Williams (Hannah Einbinder) runs through the woods at night, dressed only in a T-shirt and underwear, boobs bouncing and shoulder-length hair flowing side-to-side, in dreamy “final girl” form. Kris is a queer filmmaker taking on the task of reclaiming the slasher horror film-within-the-film, “Camp Miasma,” rebooting it for the queer community to no longer be appalled by. And she herself has, as of only recently, learned how to no longer be appalled by where her mind needs to travel in order to truly enjoy sex: villain-victim fantasies.
Lord, I’ve seen what you’ve done for others; please send me a beautiful woman who looks similar to these two characters, and please guide her to match my freak in the way that Kris and Billy match each other’s.
In the second scene that I hope to mentally revisit before it’s a wrap on principal photography for me on this mortal plane — seen at the very end of Schoenbrun’s latest film — Billy Presley (Gillian Anderson) walks hand in hand with Kris through a dreamscape of pleasure and gore as the most beautiful song I’ve ever heard in my life plays: “Satan,” by Andy Shauf. Billy is the star of the original “Camp Miasma” that Kris is rebooting, and she’s just given Kris permission to be as weird as she needs to be in order to come.
The theatrical burden of faking an orgasm because you don’t feel allowed to get into the headspace you need to be in in order to have a real one is gone. That looming first common, boring day after a few weeks of new bliss is gone. The habit of saying “I love you” with the same ease and banality as “can I have a napkin” is gone. Just two women being down for whatever it takes, for however long it lasts, encouraging each other to let go.
Lord, I’ve seen what you’ve done for others; please send me a beautiful woman who looks similar to these two characters, and please guide her to be compatible with me in the way that Kris and Billy are compatible with each other so that I, too, may have someone to hold hands with while slowly walking to the gas station in my underpants to buy snacks, covered head to toe in blood.
(MUBI) Hannah Einbinder in “Teenage Sex and Death at Camp Miasma”
Schoenbrun, who directed, wrote and produced 2021’s fantastic “We’re All Going to the World’s Fair” and then cemented their name as a visionary with the release of “I Saw the TV Glow” in 2024 — which they also wrote and directed — described the somewhat hard-to-describe “Teenage Sex and Death at Camp Miasma” to The New York Times as such: “In its simplest form, this is kind of a movie about two women matching each other’s freak.”
There’s a flame in my heart that wasn’t there before watching this movie, and that’s as great as a review can get.
Schoenbrun’s third major full-length release has received mixed reviews from professional critics and reactions from casual cinema-goers along the lines of “what the hell is this?” And you know what? I wish them all well. Whether this movie is a meta take on the problematic slasher genre, a delivery system for Hannah Einbinder to showcase that she has the best butt ever, or yet another chance for Gillian Anderson to give queer women what they want: Gillian Anderson; all I know is that when the credits rolled on this film, I walked to the parking lot with a twitterpated grin on my face, drove home listening to “Satan” on repeat, and then, once inside, immediately reactivated my Hinge profile and updated it to read: Looking for someone to share dipping sauces with — a reference to a scene in which Billy treats Kris to a feast of KFC, which I’m sure no one in my surrounding area will get. But if someone does . . . wedding bells!
Having recently gone from being a married woman to someone afraid of love and marriage, now that I’ve felt how quickly that can turn to vapor, I didn’t think I’d ever feel what this film made me feel again. There’s a flame in my heart that wasn’t there before watching this movie, and that’s as great as a review can get.
(MUBI) Gillian Anderson in “Teenage Sex and Death at Camp Miasma”
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In the song “Satan,” which I will never shut up about and am acting like I personally discovered now, even though it was released as a single by Andy Shauf in 2022 and is featured on the soundtrack for “Camp Miasma” (available for pre-order now via Waxwork Records), he sings:
Don’t watch yourself, watch the movie
This only happens for a little while
Because Satan is waiting
Satan is waiting with Halloween candy
And while reading those lyrics, this may not seem like a romantic song; but in the context of the scene in which it plays, it very much is. Hearing this song after watching this movie, I felt like I was in love, even though I currently have no one to love — and didn’t think I wanted to. But the feeling was better than love, because it was just mine. Something pure. Something I could tap into just myself, or choose to share, but wasn’t attached to the memory of any of the real-life ouchy stuff.
This only happens for a little while.
Admittedly a recovering serial monogamist, maybe that “for a little while” part is a new lesson for me. Maybe that part would be OK?
(MUBI) Gillian Anderson and Hannah Einbinder in “Teenage Sex and Death at Camp Miasma”
As a divorced lesbian who lives alone with her dog in a southern state she doesn’t feel attached to, a mix of slim-pickins and general heartache has led me to feeling like maybe I’ll just never meet the right woman for me — and working from home doesn’t make the whole situation any easier, in terms of putting myself out there, if I’d even ever wanted to.
Watching “Teenage Sex and Death at Camp Miasma” changed my tune, immediately, because it made me feel something I hadn’t felt for a long, long time: passion. And more so, the exciting possibility of passion for passion’s sake, without rushing to mold it into anything more, unless it proves itself to actually be something more, which only time can tell.
The true gift of a film like this — films in general, really — is that even though what you’re watching isn’t real, how it makes you feel is.
I will likely not encounter my very own Kris Williams or Billy Presley on a dating app. There is no Camp Miasma to autofill as my location on Hinge. But passion is waiting . . . with Halloween candy. And like Billy says to Kris in the film, “If it gets too real, you can always turn it off.” But I like the feeling of leaving it on, for now, just to see what the next scene may bring.
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