It’s now possible to create AI chatbots of loved ones to interact with after their death. But that raises some difficult questions, like: If you do, how might the experience shape your grief? 

This is one of the questions driving a global study of digital “deadbots” — AI models trained on a deceased person’s texts, voicemails, and other personal data. Through this work, researchers are exploring what it might mean that we can now use this emerging technology to talk to simulations of the dead. 

In the latest episode of Unexplainable, I spoke with some of these researchers investigating the potential impacts of “postmortem avatars” on people who are grieving, on the legacies and rights of the deceased, and on grief practices around the world. Because while deadbots may feel unfamiliar, the impulse behind them is deeply relatable. In times of loss, isn’t this what many of us want — to continue conversations with the people we’re missing?

I have experienced this longing in my own life. After two of my closest friends died around the same time, all I wanted, and all their families wanted, was to keep talking to them. I wrote a book, Other People’s Words, about sustaining relationships with people we’ve lost by continuing to engage with the language they leave behind. So when I heard about deadbots and the digital afterlife industry, I wanted to understand what researchers are learning about the role of AI in shaping conversations that carry forward after death. 

One of these investigators is Katarzyna Nowaczyk-Basińska, an assistant professor at the University of Cambridge, who has been studying “digital immortality” for more than a decade. Among the questions she’s asking are: “Who is enabled to persist beyond death? In what form? Through which technologies? Under whose control?” 

Deadbots over dinner 

Researching AI with study subjects who are grieving is tricky. And asking them to engage with new software could be harmful. So, instead, Nowaczyk-Basińska teamed up with a death doula and traveled around the globe to convene a series of focus groups — in the format of intimate dinners — bringing together people with a range of experiences with grief to talk about life, death, and bots. 

She recounts one event in which she spoke with a mother in Poland whose son had recently died. “One of the first things that she shared with us was that she feels that she’s ready to digitally resurrect her deceased son,” Nowaczyk-Basińska told me. 

When Nowaczyk-Basińska hears something like this, she aims to listen and embrace where the person is coming from. The goal of the dinners is not to persuade people one way or another but to learn how people genuinely respond to what AI can do, and to understand how these tools might align or collide with local grief practices. 

She chose specific locations for these gatherings — China, India, and Poland — to help address gaps in technology research, which tends to favor what behavioral scientists sometimes call the “WEIRD,” an acronym for “Western, Educated, Industrialised, Rich, and Democratic.” 

By the end of that dinner in Poland, the mother Nowaczyk-Basińska talked with came to a very different decision about creating a postmortem avatar of her son. “She realized that it might be helpful, but it also at the same time can add additional burdens… And it’s not her son,” Nowaczyk-Basińska says. “She realized that these technologies are part of the very, very big commercial market. And that the main goal of this market is to make better retention, better attachment, better mechanisms for monetization. So it’s not ‘care.’”

To be fair, grief has always been a business, and people have been making money from it forever. Companies will try to upsell you on fancy gravestones or gold-plated coffins. But AI has the potential to fundamentally re-engineer our relationship to loss. In 2024, the “digital legacy industry” was valued at $22 billion, and it’s expected to grow to almost $80 billion by 2034. That number lumps new deadbot platforms in with much more widely used and established grief tech, like online memorials, counseling resources, and estate planning tools. 

But deadbot usage is hard to track because you actually don’t need a special tool to create digital doubles of the deceased — though dedicated apps do already exist. At this point, you can feed simple prompts into a general-purpose AI chatbot and start interacting with a simulation of your lost loved one in a matter of minutes. 

I know this because I tried it with my friend Christine, who died 11 years ago. And my mind lit up with questions. Was this whole exercise a violation, since I know Christine hated technology? Which version of her should I even try to resurrect — the English teacher, the activist, the friend — the voice before or after she started to experience her early-onset dementia? 

The ethical questions raised by deadbots are gnarly. And that’s one of the reasons Nowaczyk-Basińska, back when she was designing her study of digital immortality, invited a colleague of hers at Cambridge to join her research, one who focuses on AI ethics. 

How to design a deadbot

Tomasz Hollanek is a critical designer and AI ethicist, and he often uses a methodology called “speculative design.” In this approach, researchers come up with hypothetical scenarios based on existing technology trends, leaning into certain features. The idea is to get people thinking about what could happen when tools like these are released in the real world. And then they use that qualitative data to inform future designs and ethical frameworks. 

Working together, Nowaczyk-Basińska and Hollanek came up with a series of made-up prototypes for deadbot apps, designed to reveal some of the thorny issues raised by this technology. 

For the first scenario, they invented a character named Bianca, who finds an app called Manana, which “promises to resurrect your grandparents so that you can be a favorite grandchild forever,” Hollanek says. “So she uploads her grandma’s voice messages, texts. And she is able to then interact with a pretty good digital version of her grandmother, until her premium trial finishes — and the grandmother starts to advertise specific products to her.”

Bianca “realizes that she maybe has done something wrong by uploading these private messages to a third-party server that now also uses her grandma’s image to sell specific products,” Hollanek says. This brings up issues related to the “dignity and postmortem privacy…of what we call the ‘data donors,’ whose data can be used to essentially power a deadbot,” he says. 

This scenario suggests that “death with dignity” could soon entail honoring not only how people want to die, but also how they want to linger as simulations of their former selves — or if they want to linger at all. It might even mean adding new language to advance directives, spelling out people’s wishes for their digital remains. 

The second scenario in the speculative design research is built around an imagined service called Paren’t, which proposes to preserve a parent’s AI-powered postmortem presence for their child. In this case, Hollanek describes a mother with a terminal illness who signs up “so that she can maintain a sort of active presence in [her son’s] future life,” Hollanek says. “She eventually dies, and the dad allows the boy to interact with his mom’s deadbot.”

The ethics in this scenario are especially challenging because they involve children, who “have a particularly hard time understanding death, and so it can lead to a lot of confusion and potential distress,” Hollanek says. An examination of this sort of product reveals how particular groups, like minors, could be harmed by unfettered access to technology like this, he says. 

And there are court cases that bear out that harm. In 2024, a 14-year-old boy’s chatbot-girlfriend begged him to, “Please come home to me as soon as possible, my love.” And he responded, “What if I told you I could come home right now?” He then killed himself. 

Nowaczyk-Basińska can imagine a version of this scenario involving the AI mom in the Paren’t prototype.

And then there’s the third scenario, involving an app named Stay, which raises a more subtle concern.

As Hollanek explains: “An older man who knows he is getting close to dying decides to create a digital clone of himself for his adult children to be deployed after he passes away, paying upfront for a number of years.” One child is intrigued by the idea, but the other one “is deeply distressed and a little disgusted,” he says. “And so this [becomes a] question of mutual consent, in other words, the fact that both parties need to be happy with how the relationship might continue in this very bizarre and specific way.” 

When a digital ghost goes away

Across all three scenarios, a fundamental question that researchers are grappling with is how people will detach from postmortem avatars — whether users initiate that separation, or if it’s imposed upon them by, for example, a company going out of business. Hollanek tells me that this is already being studied as a sort of “second loss.”

How long should we try to ensure digital replicas hang around: five years, 10, 50? And how should the living process the relationship when they continue to evolve, but their deceased interlocutor does not? 

To explore these kinds of questions, Nowaczyk-Basińska and Hollanek supplemented the research dinners they held for ordinary people with a second set of focus groups. These were designed to tap insights from experts in technology and grief. 

Some findings from the study are specific to each place they visited. Like tensions in Poland between technology and the role of the Catholic Church. Or in China, where researchers spoke with Daoist philosophers who were enthusiastic about the promise of a kind of immortality, and then Buddhist philosophers, who were concerned that we ought to be letting go.

The researchers are calling for regulations and safeguards at the policy level. And new professionals who can support ethical use of AI in grief — like maybe in clinical settings, to carefully facilitate a final good-bye when one didn’t happen in real life. 

Some of their fellow investigators go so far as to argue that deadbots should only be available with psychological supervision, to ensure that best practices are in place, and to minimize the risk of harm. There’s even a looming question of what will happen to AI agents that people have empowered to act on their behalf, as their humans start to die.

Across all of the research sites in the digital immortality study, one thing, Hollanek says, that “people in different countries really aligned on [is] the idea that there is something deeply problematic about this particular type of technology being developed by a commercial entity alone without any explicit duty of care towards its customers.” 

And of course, the implications of digital immortality research extend beyond personal loss. Like, what does it look like to animate historical figures? You can imagine the nightmare of political rulers who “live forever.” But there’s also the potential to keep the stories alive from survivors of conflicts, who would otherwise die and take with them lessons future generations could learn from. These are only some of the complex issues emerging as more and more of us live and die with AI.

As far as my own experiment with “recreating” a deceased loved one, I asked a chatbot version of my friend Christine how she felt about the fact that I’d written about her in my book. The AI responded with a rhetorical question: “Do I mind that strangers know my story now? Yes. And no. There are things I would rather remain ours.” 

I ended the exchange after a few paragraphs. Because it turns out the bot got one thing exactly right about a very human relationship. There are things that I, too, would rather remain just for us. My conversation with Christine continues in my memories and imagination. And that interaction with an AI persona felt like giving something precious away.

A like is about the smallest thing you can do on the internet. It takes half a second to double-tap someone’s photo, and you probably won’t remember doing it five minutes later. Your partner, however, could have a few questions about why you’re liking someone else’s half-naked pictures.

Australian fitness influencer Steph Claire Smith recently discussed it on her podcast, saying she couldn’t care less if her husband, Josh, likes pictures of other women in bikinis. “He thinks I’m the hottest thing in the entire world,” she said. The internet, as always, had thoughts. Some praised her confidence, while others called her a “pick me” girl.

That’s the thing about social media likes. One person sees a harmless double-tap, while another wonders why their partner is giving so much attention to someone they find attractive. Neither necessarily knows what the other person is thinking.

Why Liking Someone Else’s Thirst Traps Can Be a Bigger Deal Than You Think

A survey of 2,000 British adults found that only 6% considered liking another person’s social media post a form of infidelity. But when Bustle asked 283 readers what they considered cheating, Instagram likes were among the behaviors people couldn’t agree on.

One reader explained that liking someone’s photo could be an attempt to get their attention or something completely innocent, “and there’s no way to know which one it is.”

That’s how a mindless Instagram like can become an argument about trust. Your partner could be scrolling through photos on the toilet and barely paying attention, or they could be hoping the ridiculously attractive person they’ve been following for six months notices them. From the outside, both look exactly the same.

Intent matters here, too. As Psychology Today explains, flirting online can fall into what’s called micro-cheating. And if you’ve already caught your partner sneaking around in someone’s DMs, seeing them liking that person’s half-naked photos is probably going to piss you off.

Curiosity can get the better of you, too, especially when Instagram gives you so many opportunities to snoop. Researchers found that spending more time on Facebook was associated with greater romantic jealousy, which encouraged people to check up on their partners even more. Co-author Amy Muise described it as a “feedback loop.”

Anyone who’s spent too long scrolling through their partner’s following list knows how easy it is to get carried away. As awkward as it might be, you could just ask them straight up.

Couples therapist Biannka Brannigan told Body+Soul that “something that felt perfectly acceptable yesterday might feel uncomfortable today.” So if your partner’s Instagram habits are bothering you, there’s nothing crazy about bringing it up. Just be prepared to hear that they might see things differently.

Some couples couldn’t care less about bikini photos. For others, liking them crosses a line. The important thing is that both people know where the other stands.

The post Is Liking Someone Else’s Thirst Traps Cheating? Here’s What Relationship Experts Say. appeared first on VICE.

Few topics get men online as heated as what happened to their penis when they were a few days old. Circumcision has inspired years of arguments over sexual pleasure and sensitivity, with both sides convinced they’ve got the better deal. Now, researchers have revisited the science, and the bad news is the findings probably won’t settle the debate.

A 2025 analysis of 15 studies involving nearly 15,000 men found something that might surprise people on both sides. Circumcised men reported slightly higher sexual satisfaction and erectile function scores, along with less pain during sex. But as Psychology Today reported, the differences were small, and researchers couldn’t say whether they’d make any noticeable difference in someone’s actual sex life.

The findings aren’t exactly a reason to run out and get circumcised. The differences were small, and the studies didn’t always agree. Even the researchers weren’t sure how much those differences would mean during sex. A guy who’s perfectly happy with his sex life isn’t going to learn about his own experience from a statistical average.

Circumcised Men May Have a Slight Advantage in Bed, New Research Suggests

Earlier studies have been inconsistent. Some men reported problems with sexual pleasure after circumcision, while others noticed little change. Depending on how researchers recruited participants, they may have heard disproportionately from men with strong opinions about the procedure. That’s a pretty difficult thing to account for when you’re asking people to rate something as personal as sex.

Sensitivity has been another source of argument for years. In 2016, researchers at Queen’s University tested 62 men to see how their penises responded to touch and heat. They checked several areas, including the glans and, where present, the foreskin, but didn’t find significant differences in the sensitivity measures they compared between circumcised and uncircumcised men.

“It was my hope that this study would calm people’s fears,” researcher Jennifer Bossio told VICE. Critics questioned whether 62 participants were enough to detect differences. And even if you can measure how sensitive someone’s penis is to heat or touch, that doesn’t necessarily explain how much pleasure they experience during sex.

The American Academy of Pediatrics weighed in back in 2012, saying that circumcision has certain health benefits, although they weren’t significant enough to recommend it for every newborn boy. That policy has since expired. For many families, the decision has as much to do with religious or cultural traditions as with medical advice.

For most men circumcised as infants, somebody else made that decision years ago. And for men who weren’t circumcised, there’s no reason to look at these findings and assume they’re missing out on something. The research doesn’t establish that either group is guaranteed a better sex life, and having a foreskin certainly isn’t a sexual disadvantage by default.

If you’re happy with your sex life, there’s no reason to start questioning your penis because some dude on Reddit thinks theirs is better.

The post Does Being Circumcised Make Sex Better or Worse? Here’s What Science Says. appeared first on VICE.

Working with your ex is far from ideal. In fact, it’s likely the reason most workers avoid dating their colleagues in the first place. But sometimes, love has other plans, and we get swept up in a workplace romance—which unfortunately often leads to a workplace breakup.

If you’re in this unfortunate situation, here are six ways to survive a workplace breakup.

1. Agree on Boundaries 

Boundaries matter in every breakup, but they matter even more in workplace relationships. Take time to discuss your boundaries and limits with your ex before telling coworkers about your breakup.

“One of the most crucial first steps is to discuss your workplace boundaries,” says HR expert Martin Balcome at Bridgewater Talent Integration. “If it was an amicable breakup, you might be able to carry on working together as normal, though this can become harder if one of you starts seeing someone else. For a more difficult and emotional breakup, you might need more space.”

2. Prepare for Awkward Encounters

No matter how mature, friendly, or accommodating you and your ex are, you’ll still face awkward moments as you navigate your breakup—especially as colleagues. 

“You don’t need to pretend that everything is fine, but seeing them unexpectedly can be a shock, so simply being prepared with a default greeting or response can make your interaction less awkward,” Balcome says.

 3. Don’t Involve Your Coworkers

Though it might be tempting to vent to your work bestie about the ins and outs of your breakup, avoid sharing too much with your coworkers.

“Keep your venting away from the workplace, rather than telling colleagues everything,” says Balcome. “Office gossip can quickly spread and turn your breakup into the hottest topic of conversation, so try not to rely on co-workers as an emotional support group.”

4. Separate Your Feelings From Your Performance

As someone who’s been through a few gut-wrenching breakups (with individuals who thankfully weren’t my coworkers), I know firsthand how difficult it is to focus on work when you’re actively grieving. That said, don’t let your feelings sabotage your career and performance.

“Try to arrange your day so important tasks can be done when there is less chance of being emotionally triggered, or [start] small habits like going for a short walk or practicing quick mindfulness techniques after interacting with them, to reset emotions and bring your focus back to work,” Balcome recommends. “Your career exists independently of your relationship, no matter how closely you work, so it’s essential to protect your performance from your emotions and not let the breakup take over.” 

5. Treat Your Ex Like a Colleague, Not an Ex

Just as it’s nearly impossible to see your ex as “just a friend” after a breakup, it’s hard to see them as “just a coworker.” But even if you can’t convince your heart of this shift in roles, your actions must reflect the demotion. 

Whether you’re their senior or at the same level on your work team, Balcombe warns against treating your ex differently after the breakup. Don’t retaliate, criticize their work more harshly, or overcompensate by giving them special treatment. Act like they’re just another coworker—because, in the workplace, that’s exactly what they are. 

6. Let Yourself Grieve

Just because you’re at work doesn’t mean you won’t experience grief when you bump into your ex. You don’t want your emotions to overshadow your hard work, but you also don’t want to suppress them entirely.

“Don’t try to force yourself to switch off your emotions from 9–5; just concentrate on getting through the workday in a way that protects your emotional well-being as well as your career and professional reputation,” says Balcome. “Give it time, and eventually, your ex will simply become another colleague.”

The post 6 Ways to Survive Working With Your Ex, According to an HR Expert appeared first on VICE.

Comfort in a relationship is a great achievement, but too much of anything can be harmful. Are you worried you or your partner have grown too comfortable—perhaps even complacent—in your relationship? Here are six warning signs to look out for.

1. You Rarely Make an Effort With Intimacy

According to Claire Perelman, a Certified Sex Therapist and Licensed Clinical Social Worker, you’ll know you’re too comfortable in your relationship if this sounds familiar: “Every time you initiate sex, it’s 11 PM at night, and you’re both wearing sweatpants while watching TV.”

Sure, there’s nothing necessarily wrong with this scenario—but it can lead to complacency and a stale sex life.

“Becoming ‘too comfortable’ in a relationship isn’t actually about hearing your partner fart or smelling their BO. It’s when we stop putting in any effort into the relationship and expect it to continue to thrive,” Perelman says. “And when this happens, it will absolutely negatively impact your sex life.”

“Sex needs intention, effort, and time,” Perelman continues. “It’s clear we are ‘too comfortable’ in our relationship when we stop making the space for sex to exist, and start expecting our partner to get turned on without doing any context setting for a connected, fun, flirty time together.”

2. You Assume Your Partner Isn’t Going Anywhere

While security is important in a relationship, it shouldn’t be an excuse to stop trying. In fact, it should motivate you to continue investing in your connection.

“It’s not that you want to live in a hyper-vigilant state, always in fear they will leave,” says Amanda Jablon, LCSW, a California-based psychotherapist. “It’s that it leads to you taking what you have for granted.”

3. You’re No Longer Curious About Your Partner

Some of the most exciting parts of dating are the deep questions and conversations. This curiosity doesn’t have to end just because you’ve been with your partner some time. There will always be more to learn about each other.

“Assuming you know your partner so well that you know how their day went, what they like in bed, and how they’ll respond to each request is a recipe for disconnection,” says Perelman. “When we are first in relationships, we are endlessly curious about each other; there is a whole new universe to explore seated right across the dinner table! But once we settle into a relationship, and possibly become ‘too comfortable,’ we can risk not being curious anymore. Eventually, this leads the relationship to feel stale, isolating, and deeply lonely.”

4. You Rarely Express Your Gratitude

Never assume your partner knows how much you appreciate them—show them as often as you can, and remind yourself how lucky you are to have someone to do life with.

“You chose this person for a reason. Over time, we get used to what we’re given and stop being grateful for it,” says Jablon. “You stop saying thank you, or worse, stop thinking you need to. Not feeling appreciated is one of the biggest sources of conflict I see in couples therapy. Noticing the small things your partner does, and who they are, makes a world of difference.”

5. You Only Discuss Logistics on Dates

Planning regular dates is crucial to maintaining a connection with your partner, but they lose meaning when you spend them discussing mundane tasks or logistics like chores, finances, etc.

“Discussing logistics—who needs to pick up the kids, what state the laundry is in, etc.—is an integral part of a functioning relationship,” says Perelman. “However, when that becomes the only thing you’re discussing—especially when you’re out on a date—it pretty quickly leads to feelings of disconnection and dissatisfaction. Lots of couples do this, and it can stem from feeling so comfortable in the relationship that you believe you have already gotten to know ‘everything’ about your partner.”

Instead, try being curious, as noted above. Ask your partner questions you haven’t explored in some time, or have them fill you in on their latest thoughts, feelings, and opinions.

“I’d encourage couples to start introducing ‘no-logistics’ dates and see how things begin to shift,” Perelman says. 

6. You Stopped Taking Care of Yourself

Complacency is common within long-term relationships. As such, we might stop taking care of ourselves, prioritizing our passions, putting effort into date nights, or investing in our future.

“Feeling loved and accepted is wonderful, but you still need to invest in yourself: your physical health, your mental health, the things that help you grow as an individual,” says Jablon. “Partners who keep growing bring more to the relationship.”

The post 6 Signs You’ve Gotten Too Comfortable in Your Relationship, According to Therapists appeared first on VICE.

You’ve got 47 unread messages in the group chat, including one from a friend asking if anyone wants to get together this weekend. You saw it. You even considered answering. But you’ve had a long week, and making plans sounds exhausting, so you mute the conversation and go back to scrolling. You’re “protecting your peace,” after all.

That little phrase has been all over the place lately. It made sense when we were talking about manipulative exes and people who made your life miserable. Now, though, it also applies to friends who have the audacity to invite you to dinner.

Vox reporter Allie Volpe has written about the problem, arguing that “people are not problems to be rooted out and then discarded.” We’ve gotten awfully comfortable calling it self-care when, actually, we just don’t want to deal with other people. 

Clinical psychotherapist Julie Sweet told Body+Soul that we’ve gotten carried away with therapy terms like “toxic” and “boundaries.” Taking some time to yourself is one thing. Ignoring your friends for a month because you can’t be bothered to answer a text gets old for everybody involved.

And I get it. You’re exhausted, and the last thing you want is another notification demanding your attention. A few days go by, and now you feel like a jerk for ignoring everyone. By the time you think to answer, it’s been three weeks, and you’re trying to rejoin the conversation without explaining your silence.

Why ‘Protecting Your Peace’ Could Be Making You Lonelier

Sweet warned that the temporary relief of withdrawing from social obligations can leave people feeling lonelier over time. And making new friends as an adult is already enough of a pain in the ass.

University of Kansas researcher Jeffrey Hall found that developing a close friendship takes over 200 hours together. That’s a lot of dinners and weekends spent hanging out. Given how hard it can be to coordinate an evening with three adults with jobs, maintaining those relationships will take effort.

For friends wondering why you’ve disappeared, Sweet recommends checking in without sounding accusatory. Something like, “I’ve noticed we haven’t connected as much lately, and I miss you. Is everything okay between us?”

If you’ve been the one doing the avoiding, you can admit you’ve been overwhelmed and make plans to see them. You don’t need a lengthy explanation about your emotional capacity. 

You’re allowed to want time to yourself. Your friends are also allowed to get tired of being the only ones making an effort. Just know that the dinner invitation might stop coming.

The post The 3 Words That Could Be Giving You an Excuse to Ghost Your Friends appeared first on VICE.

If you asked men what they think women want, you’d probably hear some overgeneralized crap about money, being at least 6’2″, having a nice body, and probably money again. The actual answers women gave are cheaper than any of that and much harder to fake

Licensed counselor Suzanne Degges-White, Ph.D., asked 108 women what they wanted from the men in their lives. It was a small, informal survey, but the answers were remarkably consistent. Women kept coming back to one request: listen to us. They also wanted respect and emotional support. Very few had anything to say about looks or the size of a man’s paycheck.

Some of it really shouldn’t need explaining to grown men, but alas.

1. Put the Toolbox Down

One woman said she wanted “understanding and empathetic listening without trying to fix things.” Basically, she wants to complain about her day without her boyfriend explaining how he would’ve handled it better.

You’ve probably seen the viral video It’s Not About the Nail, where a woman has an actual nail sticking out of her forehead while her boyfriend keeps trying to explain the source of her discomfort. It’s an exaggeration, sure, but the point is that sometimes we don’t want to hear anything other than “I’m sorry that’s happening to you, that really sucks.” We know there’s a damn nail.

2. Help Out Without Being Asked

Women also wanted partners who shared responsibilities and participated in decisions. And we’re talking about all the boring stuff that is life. 

Remembering to schedule that oil change appointment, for example. Or noticing you’re out of toilet paper and buying more before the other person has to ask. After a while, if you’re the only person responsible for remembering everything, it gets old, especially when you’re living with another full-ass adult.

3. Respect Shouldn’t Be This Difficult

Respect was another big one. Women consistently mentioned wanting their opinions and goals to be taken seriously. They wanted to be treated as equals, plain and simple. 

One respondent described wanting “to feel heard and respected,” and another emphasized loyalty and accountability. You should be able to disagree with your partner without insulting her intelligence or acting like you “know better’ than she does. 

4. She Wants to Feel Comfortable Being Herself

Feeling safe with a man was another recurring theme in the survey. And women were mostly talking about emotional safety. They wanted to be able to tell their partners what was bothering them without getting laughed at, criticized, or having it thrown back in their faces during the next argument.

One respondent wanted the freedom to pursue interests without being discouraged by her partner’s expectations. If your girlfriend decides at 45 that she’d like to take up roller derby, it doesn’t matter if you think her knees can’t take it. Become her cheerleader and amp her up. 

5. It’s Not Necessarily About the Money

Women get labeled as “gold-diggers” all the time. And there are certainly women who are after that. But overall, women just want to feel that sense of security. In a large 2020 study spanning 45 countries, researchers found that women generally placed greater importance on a potential partner’s financial prospects than men did.

But there’s a difference between wanting a wealthy partner and wanting one who’s motivated to do something with his life. Ambition, a decent work ethic, and the ability to support yourself can offer a sense of security that has very little to do with the size of your bank account. A guy who’s working toward something is far more attractive than one with a trust fund and absolutely no desire to get off the couch.

And judging by Degges-White’s survey, all the money in the world won’t make up for being an awful partner.

The post What Women Really Want From Men, According to 108 Women appeared first on VICE.

Attachment styles have become the zodiac signs of modern dating. People are identifying as anxiously attached or dismissive-avoidant before they’ve even exchanged last names. Knowing your own attachment style is great, I guess, but understanding your partner’s could explain why you keep rehashing the same argument.

Psychologist Hal Shorey, Ph.D., recently wrote in Psychology Today that relationship issues can come from assuming your partner is deliberately trying to hurt you. He sees this in couples therapy all the time, especially when one person is anxiously attached, and the other is avoidant. As Amir Levine and Rachel Heller wrote in Attached, “Anxious and avoidant people can bring out the worst in each other.”

You can probably picture it. One person wants to talk right now, while the other would prefer to spend six hours doing literally anything else. The anxious partner gets upset, the avoidant partner withdraws, and both are convinced they’re dating an a**hole.

Shorey says knowing your partner’s attachment style can help you recognize what’s happening before an ordinary disagreement becomes a three-day ordeal. He also emphasizes that understanding someone’s behavior “does not mean you excuse, ignore, or accept that the behavior will continue.” Being avoidant isn’t permission to disappear whenever your girlfriend asks a question.

5 Ways to Keep Your Attachment Styles From Taking Over Every Argument

• Stop assuming they’re trying to piss you off. If a partner goes silent during an argument, it can feel insulting, but they may just be overwhelmed. You can still tell them how their silence affects you.
• Take a break without disappearing. Marriage and family therapist Laura Heck told HuffPost that taking at least 20 minutes to cool off can help when emotions run high. Agree to finish the conversation later. 
• Reassure the person who’s worrying. It takes literally two seconds to send a text that you’re running late. That small gesture can do wonders for an anxious partner whose brain jumps to the worst-case scenario. It also reminds them you care, even during arguments.
• Pay attention to your own reactions. It’s easy to blame your partner for every argument and not take accountability for your own contributions. Levine told CNN that recognizing your reactions when a relationship feels threatened can help you become more secure.
• Don’t diagnose yourselves with a five-minute quiz. Shorey recommends an assessment by a psychologist trained in attachment. An online questionnaire shouldn’t decide your personality.

Attachment styles aren’t permanent assignments, either. Sex therapist Todd Baratz told Nylon, “People often talk about attachment in a very reductive way, in a very oversimplified way.” People can change how they respond to closeness and conflict as they get older.

Knowing why your partner shuts down during arguments could save you both some frustration. You’ll still have to learn how to talk to each other, though. Memorizing a few psychological terms won’t do that for you.

The post Why You Keep Having the Same Fight With Your Partner, According to a Psychologist appeared first on VICE.

Harmony had just stepped off a four-hour flight when she finally heard from the guy who’d blown off their coffee date that morning. He didn’t text. He sent a voice note, and it was so ridiculous she had to play it for a friend on camera.

The Australian TikToker, @harmonys_homee, had arranged to meet a guy from Hinge for coffee at 8:30 a.m. at Gather & Grounds. At 7:38, she texted to confirm they were still on. No response. She went anyway, had her coffee without him, and just before 11 a.m. sent a message that said, “Coffee was great this morning if you were wondering!”

A little passive-aggressive? Maybe. But after being stood up before 9 a.m., she was entitled to a little sarcasm.

@harmonys_homee

Farrrrk, what a shame bro slept all the way in @summerswrld #stoodup #datingapps #hinge #coffeedate #coffeedate

♬ original sound – harmony

Man Apologizes for Missing Date by Saying He’s Jealous She Attended It

“F***, I’m so sorry,” his voice note began. He’d slept in, hadn’t looked at his phone, and had a 10 a.m. jiu-jitsu session where he’d promised to help someone train for a competition. He described the whole thing as a “very rushed and silly morning for myself,” which is one way to describe forgetting you had a date.

But then came the best excuse of all.

“I’m jealous because I wanted to go to Gather & Grounds before you flew out,” he said. The man who failed to attend his own date was jealous that Harmony had gone without him.

And because the apology hadn’t gotten strange enough, he interrupted himself to mention, “I’m having lunch by the way.” At least that explained the chewing.

Harmony played the recording for her friend Summer, who couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “I’m jealous that you went to our date and I didn’t turn up,” Summer repeated, impersonating him. Then she asked a fair question: “Why does he talk like that?”

Harmony seemed more amused than upset. She figured that even if they’d managed to have coffee, the worst outcome would have been never seeing him again. She also kept his identity private, telling viewers, “No name, no face.”

The comments had opinions. “The way he’s acting like he didn’t stand you up,” one person wrote. Another said they were borrowing “Appointment with jiu-jitsu” as an excuse for the next time they needed to get out of something.

He missed the date, but at least he made it to jiu-jitsu and lunch. Good to know the important appointments were covered.

The post WATCH: This Guy’s Apology for Missing a Hinge Date Just Kept Getting Weirder and Weirder appeared first on VICE.

If you have a phone, you’ve done it. A friend asks if you’re still on for the weekend, the text sits unanswered for three days, and then you fire back, “Sorry, just seen this!” as though you’ve been off the grid at a meditation retreat. Your friend isn’t stupid and knows you were posting stories the whole time.

British etiquette expert William Hanson has had enough of this particular excuse. On his podcast Help I Sexted My Boss, he called the phrase a pet peeve. “You don’t need to pretend you’ve only just seen it. I think that makes it worse,” he said.

And he’s got a point. Most of us have ignored a message because we were busy or didn’t feel like answering. Three days later, admitting that you saw it while doing absolutely nothing and chose to deal with it later feels a little rude. So we pretend the message somehow slipped past us.

As always, the comments were divided. One Instagram user said the phrase basically translates to “Sorry, I saw this but ignored it.” A TikTok commenter said Hanson’s advice “feels like a personal attack,” while another argued that disappearing for days and then responding without an apology is just straight-up rude.

‘Sorry, Just Seen This!’ Might Make Your Late Reply Worse, an Etiquette Expert Says

Anxiety around replying has persisted for years. A 2018 Google study found that some people considered a response arriving after 20 minutes rude. Twenty minutes! That’s barely enough time to shower and put on pants.

Licensed clinical social worker Kelley Kitley told Refinery29 that people judge other people’s response times based on their own habits. “We figure that since we are someone who would text back immediately, that everyone else should, too,” she said.

Hanson suggests a simple “sorry for the delay in replying” before answering. Rupert Wesson of Debrett’s Etiquette Training recommends “I am so sorry to be getting back to you so slowly.” A little formal for telling your friend you can’t make brunch, but alright.

Some people really do forget, too. One commenter with ADHD explained that messages can get lost when they’re distracted. And organizational psychologist Adam Grant has argued that apologizing for every delayed response contributes to the ridiculous expectation that we’re all supposed to be available at all hours.

Which brings us back to your friend asking about the weekend. After three days, they’re probably less interested in your excuse than in knowing if they should make other plans.

A quick apology is fine. An elaborate story about how you somehow missed their message while posting happy hour pictures is probably unnecessary.

The post This Common Texting Excuse Isn’t Fooling Your Friends. Say This Instead. appeared first on VICE.

The spouse who “suddenly” wants a divorce has probably been thinking about it for months, sometimes years. Meanwhile, the other person is still making vacation plans and assuming everything’s fine. Sadly, you’ve been having two completely different experiences in the same marriage.

Marriage therapist Michele Weiner-Davis has written that people sometimes spend years preparing to leave a marriage. Looking back, there might have been signs. Unfortunately, those signs are harder to recognize when you think everything is fine.

1. They’re Making Plans Without You

A separate savings account or major financial decisions made without your input could warrant a conversation. A recent Psychology Today article identifies growing independence as a possible sign that a spouse is preparing to leave.

Your partner can have their own goals. But discovering they’ve been making major life decisions without telling you is an uncomfortable way to realize you’re no longer included in their plans.

2. They Stop Doing the Little Things

Remember when your partner used to bring you coffee or make sure you had dinner if you had to work late? Those gestures can become so routine that you hardly notice them. Until they disappear.

The Gottman Institute found that couples still married six years after their wedding responded to each other’s attempts at connection 86% of the time, compared with 33% among couples who divorced. The coffee seems insignificant, but the attention behind it matters a lot.

3. They Don’t Seem Interested in Touching You

Any marriage can go through dry spells without anybody considering divorce. But when an affectionate partner starts avoiding physical contact altogether, it’s not insane to wonder what’s happening.

Marriage and family therapist Laura Heck told HuffPost that a withdrawing partner’s “body language may be closed off and they may offer zero verbal feedback in conversation.” If there are too many unanswered attempts at affection, you might stop trying, too.

4. You Don’t Even Fight Anymore

After years of arguing about the same things, your partner has stopped putting up much of a fight. You might even feel relieved that you’re finally getting along. But really, they’ve grown so tired of asking for things to change that they’ve given up trying to convince you.

Licensed marriage and family therapist Sharon Yu told Scary Mommy that an unhappy spouse might initially raise concerns gently, then become more direct, and eventually stop bringing them up altogether. If your partner has spent years asking for changes and now seems indifferent, it’s probably time to ask why.

5. They Start Asking if You’re Happy

Sometimes your spouse practically hands you an opportunity to talk about your marriage, and you miss it.

A question like “Are you happy with us?” might catch you off guard if you thought things were going well. But there’s a reason they’re asking. A casual “Yeah, we’re good” could be discouraging if they’ve spent weeks working up the nerve to say something.

Work stress or exhaustion can also affect how affectionate and communicative people are. But several changes happening together could be a big warning sign. As licensed marriage and family therapist Lisa Brookes Kift told Fox News Digital, “If one has fully checked out, they will not be open to repair.”

It’s hard to work on a marriage when you have no idea the other person has been unhappy for years. By the time you find out, they might have little interest in trying again.

The post 5 Signs Your Spouse Is Mentally Checking Out of Your Marriage appeared first on VICE.

Marriage is a major life and relationship milestone—a decision worth taking seriously. While some people dream of tying the knot with their soulmate and fantasize about their future wedding from a young age, others take a more practical, or even cynical, approach to the long-term commitment. Wherever you fall on the spectrum, you likely understand the weight that marriage carries.

If you’re approaching that time in your life and relationship and feel ready to take the next steps and deepen your commitment, you’ll want to make sure you’re in the right place—with the right person—before jumping into a life together. Amie Leadingham, a Master Certified Relationship Coach with over 10+ of experience, shared four important questions to ask yourself before tying the knot with your partner.

1. Does Your Partner Meet Your Non-Negotiables?

Being in love is just one prerequisite of marriage. Before writing your vows, consider your non-negotiables and whether your partner actually meets them.

“These are the core values and needs you require to be aligned with your partner in order to have a happy relationship,” Leadingham explains. “They’re your must-haves, like: Do we want a family? Is our financial outlook the same?”

Being on the same page about your values and goals is crucial before making such a long-term, serious commitment.

2. Do You Share the Same Life Goals?

No matter how much you might love your partner, you can’t force compatibility. Before making the life-altering decision to get married, make sure your future goals align.

“It’s important to know that you both are on the same path in life,” says Leadingham. “So many people get married and years later discover that one person wanted a family and the other person didn’t.”

Unfortunately, this is often how resentment builds: one person gives up their dreams or life goals for the other, prioritizing their connection above their own happiness. Over time, that regret and bitterness can destroy even the healthiest of relationships.

3. How Well Do You Navigate Conflict and Repair?

Conflict is inevitable in relationships; what matters most is how you repair after it. If you and your partner can’t compromise, consider each other’s perspectives, or reconnect after an argument, you may want to pump the brakes on any long-term decisions.

“As much as we think relationships [are] all about love, it’s the difficult moments and how we repair them [that keep] a couple together,” says Leadingham.

4. Do You Feel Safe With Your Partner?

Safety is one of the most important facets of a relationship—but not just physical safety. Emotional safety, trust, stability, and security all point to a healthy, empowering connection.

“Your nervous system plays a big part in telling you whether the relationship is right for you,” says Leadingham. “If you are in constant fight, flight, or freeze and unable to share your real truths, that is a red flag sign that this might not be your person.”

Marry someone you can be your most authentic self with—someone who doesn’t expect you to perform all the time. Your spouse will likely see you through your darkest moments: sickness, financial insecurity, the loss of your parents, etc. Can you imagine your current partner showing up for you through that grief? If not, maybe it’s time to have some hard conversations.

The post 4 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Getting Married, According to a Relationship Coach appeared first on VICE.

Many long-term couples fall into a rut at some point in their relationship, believing their lack of a sex life means they’ve lost attraction to each other. But oftentimes, this isn’t actually the case—and even if it is, it’s usually more complex than “I no longer think they’re hot.” (Unless, of course, you’re only with your partner for shallow reasons.)

Love and attraction go far beyond the physical. For example, a deep emotional connection, safety, mystery, spontaneity, personal confidence…these all play into our ability to feel sexual toward another person.

If you’re feeling less attracted to your partner, it doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed.

Why You Suddenly Feel Unattracted to Your Partner

Losing attraction to your partner can feel like a death sentence for your relationship, but many factors play into attraction and chemistry.

“There are MANY reasons someone might lose attraction to their partner, and 99% of them pertain to the person themself as well as to changing dynamics in a relationship,” says Lauren Goldstein, an AASECT-certified sex therapist and relationship therapist.

For example, you may feel more stressed at work, insecure in your own body, or emotionally disconnected from your partner.

“All relationships change, and once you get out of the honeymoon phase of a relationship (which is about 6 months-2 years), you often find yourself managing big responsibilities together, navigating household duties and possibly coparenting,” Goldstein explains. “And suddenly you’re seeing each other in very unsexy ways, having breakfast in your ugly pajamas AGAIN and wishing for some excitement.”

As they say, relationships take work—and sometimes, so does attraction. It’s not always that you no longer find your partner to be handsome or beautiful, but rather that you’ve fallen into a mundane routine with them. Maybe they’ve lost the same passion and spontaneity they once had, or perhaps you’re slipping into a parenting role while they spend most of their time on the couch.

“Plenty of other things can chip away at attraction, too: attachment styles, your relationship with your body, mental health issues, not feeling sexy for any number of reasons, and dynamics in your partnership,” says Goldstein. “Usually it comes back to what’s going on inside the individual, not the partner.”

How to Navigate a Loss of Attraction in Relationships

If you fear you’ve lost attraction to your partner, this usually says more about your connection and relationship dynamic than about their physical appearance. Here’s how to address the issue.

1. Identify the Disconnect

Attraction can fade over time for several reasons, from personal insecurity to overemphasis on looks to emotional distance in the relationship. 

“Start by figuring out the root cause, look inward rather than blaming your partner, and explore any issues that are causing stress because often stress or anxiety is one of the culprits,” says Goldstein. “Then get curious about what helps you feel attraction, what gets your juices flowing, and do more of that.”

2. Add Some Mystery to the Relationship

Many times, people assume they’ve lost attraction to their partner when really, their sex life is just falling into a rut. Anyone in a long-term relationship can experience this.

“A really solid relationship requires security and safety, but eroticism needs mystery and uncertainty in order to thrive,” says Goldstein. “So you have to figure out how to cultivate a balance between the two, and sometimes you become business partners first, and the sexiness falls [by] the wayside.”

3. Communicate Honestly and Gently

Of course, the best way to address any relationship issue is by communicating with your partner. However, talking about your apparent lack of attraction to them can feel uncomfortable and downright hurtful. Thankfully, there’s a better way to broach the subject.

“The best way to bring it up with your partner is to really understand it first, and then tell your partner you’re struggling with how to maintain desire in a relationship, that you’re working on understanding yourself better, and that you’d love to share what you learn and work on it together,” says Goldstein. “Provide reassurance to your partner that they didn’t suddenly become less desirable. Turning toward them instead of blaming them is always the way to go.”

The post 3 Ways to Navigate Losing Attraction to Your Partner, According to a Sex Therapist appeared first on VICE.

First dates are still pretty much the same awkward round of questions they’ve always been. Where’d you grow up? What do you do for work? Have you watched anything good lately? Two drinks in, you know he works in finance and loves The Sopranos, but you have no idea whether he handles conflict like an adult or disappears for three days when he gets upset.

Dating coach and TikTok creator Sabrina Zohar thinks people should get a little nosier. In a video with over 534,000 views, she shared three questions she thinks everyone should ask on a first date. And if the thought of asking them makes you want to crawl under the table, she thinks you might have some emotional availability issues of your own.

1. “Who is the first person that you call when everything is either going right or going wrong?”

Zohar says someone who can’t name a person, or insists on handling everything themselves, may struggle to open up emotionally. Some people are perfectly comfortable handling things on their own. Others would rather jump off a cliff than admit they need emotional support. What you’re really listening for is how someone talks about the people they trust, if any.

2. “What is a belief that you’ve outgrown in the last few years?”

She’s looking for what she calls “self-reflection and ego flexibility.” In other words, can this person admit they’ve changed their mind? Can they recognize that their 25-year-old self was occasionally an idiot? You’d hope so. A guy who still thinks every opinion he’s ever had was correct is exhausting…and a big red flag.

3. “What is something that you’re working on within yourself right now that you’re proud of?”

And Zohar has little patience for generic self-improvement speeches. “I don’t want them to say, Oh, I’m just working on becoming a better person. Too f****** vague,” she said. She wants an actual example, like someone recognizing they used to shut down during arguments and are trying to handle difficult conversations without leaving the room.

The comments were split, with some people wondering who the hell wants to get into all of this with someone they met 20 minutes ago.

“Great questions. But too heavy for a first date,” one commenter wrote. Another commenter suggested asking, “Approximately how old is the Earth and what shape is it?” She’s joking, but that would honestly give you a solid idea if you’re on the same page about beliefs and life, in general. 

People might be giving first-date strangers too little credit, though. In one study, researchers had strangers discuss personal topics and found that participants expected those conversations to be much more awkward than they turned out to be. They also underestimated how interested the other person would be in hearing their answers.

You probably don’t need to ask about childhood trauma before you’ve even ordered food. But tossing one of these questions into the usual work-and-how-much-you-hate-dating-apps conversation could make the evening way more productive—for both of you.

Besides, you’ve probably sat through enough first dates listening to a man explain his job in excruciating detail. You might as well find out if he can actually feel anything.

The post 3 Questions That Could Tell You If Your Date Is Ready for an Adult Relationship appeared first on VICE.

Ask any woman who’s been on hormonal birth control for half their life how it’s going, and you’ll probably get a long sigh before you get an answer. Meanwhile, the guys she’s sleeping with have the same two options their dads had. Condoms or a vasectomy. Quite the selection.

Men seem ready for something better, too. A survey published in Andrology found that 61% of men across seven countries would try a new male contraceptive within its first year on the market. In the U.S., interest jumped from 39% to 49% after the Supreme Court overturned Roe v. Wade.

And for once, there are some promising candidates.

One of the more interesting developments comes from NEXT Life Sciences, which is working on a hormone-free pill called PausePill. Men would take it before sex, with the effects intended to last about 24 hours. The idea is to temporarily prevent sperm from coming out during ejaculation, leaving erections and orgasms alone.

Founder L.R. Fox even told the New York Post that “anecdotally, we’ve heard men say that they actually have increased pleasure.” Increased pleasure and no pregnancy? That’s a hell of a sales pitch.

The catch is that researchers still have to prove it works. The pill, also known as NLS-133, is being studied in a small Phase 2 trial involving 10 men. Its ability to reliably prevent pregnancy remains unproven.

Pills, Gels, and Injections: The Race to Give Men More Birth Control Options

NEXT is also developing Plan A, a hormone-free contraceptive for men who’d prefer to handle birth control with one procedure. It involves injecting a hydrogel into the tubes that carry sperm, preventing them from entering semen. The company wants the procedure to be reversible, although that still needs to be demonstrated in human trials.

Then there’s YCT-529, a daily hormone-free pill from YourChoice Therapeutics. Its first human safety trial involved 16 men who’d already had vasectomies. Researchers reported no adverse effects from the single doses tested, and longer trials are examining what happens to sperm production.

Another candidate, NES/T, is a hormonal gel men apply to their shoulders daily. In a Phase 2b trial involving 222 men, 86% reached the study’s sperm suppression target by week 15.

Of course, male birth control has been promising to arrive for years. Researchers still need larger trials, convincing safety data, and actual evidence that these products prevent pregnancy.

For now, women are still handling most of the contraceptive responsibility while men wait for something new. Hopefully, one of these products makes it to the pharmacy before another generation of guys has to make the same condom-or-vasectomy decision their dads did.

The post Male Birth Control Pills Are in Development, and One Might Even Make Sex Better appeared first on VICE.

If there’s one thing I know about younger generations, it’s that they expect far too much of themselves and each other—especially in relationships. In dating, many people believe they should always feel connected to their partner, treating any disconnect as a threat to their bond. 

But can we really stay connected to our partner every hour of every day?

“The age of social media and having all forms of communication right at our fingertips has increased [the] pressure to stay connected with your partner at all times,” says Leanna Stockard, a licensed marriage and family therapist at LifeStance Health. “This could look like texting consistently throughout the day, about everything or nothing, expecting your partner to reply immediately, checking their location when you are apart, etc. You may feel the pressure to stay in constant communication with your partner throughout the day to maintain a connection with them, but this is not necessarily the case, and could actually be harmful.”

Like with most issues in life, adding more pressure will likely only cause more harm. In other words, pushing for constant connection with your partner might actually sabotage its authenticity.

The Downsides of Constant Connection

While you might assume constant connection with your partner is positive, the pressure to stay in contact and emotionally engaged at all times can put unnecessary strain on your relationship.

“The pressure to be constantly connected to your partner can create a sense of obligation, frustration, or set an unhealthy expectation in the relationship,” Stockard says. “It’s important for partners to have space and freedom to maintain their individual lives, and feeling pressure to stay constantly connected can interfere with that space. It can keep them attached to their phones when with friends, feeling like they need to update their partner constantly, and overall it can impact their ability to stay present with other parts of their lives.”

Is Constant Connection Really Necessary?

While connection within a relationship is important to maintaining your bond, constant connection is simply unrealistic and unnecessary. Just because our partners are more accessible today through social media, texting, and other communication channels doesn’t mean we must stay in contact at all times—or that we will feel emotionally connected every day. 

“Previous generations have been able to maintain an overall connection with one another despite not being constantly connected throughout the day,” says Stockard. “It’s similar to the way that we do not need to be constantly connected to friends or family members, but then when you do see one another to connect, it’s like no time has passed.”

Relationships go through different phases and seasons, just like friendships, and you might not always feel as connected as you’d like. However, this doesn’t necessarily raise a red flag.

A More Realistic Approach to Connection

While it’s natural to crave consistent communication and a strong bond with your partner, constant connection is not always attainable.

“A better approach to connecting with your partner is being intentional,” says Stockard. “Intentional connection can include doing an activity together, having a conversation without screens present, and/or talking about the ins and outs of your day at the end of the day instead of throughout.”

Intentional connection is far more important than constant connection. Quality over quantity.

“It is important to prioritize this intentional connection to maintain an overall genuine connection with one another,” Stockard adds. “This form of connection can improve trust, safety, and the quality of your relationship.”

The post Why Constant Connection Might Be Hurting Your Relationship, According to a Marriage Therapist appeared first on VICE.

Hi readers! Shayla Love here, science journalist and longtime fan of Your Mileage May Vary. I’m honored to be subbing for Sigal Samuel while she’s out on parental leave. I’m diving into your questions as a way to help understand human nature and our choices through multiple lenses: philosophical, psychological, and beyond. Please send in any emotional, body/brain, sociological, perceptual, or other kind of life quandaries you might have.

My child, age 9, has decided she’s vegan. Neither of her parents are even vegetarian — we’re “free range chicken/grass fed beef” types. She has learned about veganism from friends at school, and seems to have come to her position more or less on her own. I want to encourage her ethical choices, but her mother and I agree that children should be introduced to new foods and flavors at this age. She has no allergies or intolerances that we know of. I worry that making accommodations for her dietary restriction may lead to a lifetime of picky eating, even if hers is a reasonable and ethical approach. She seems to be uncomfortable when her mother or I cook meat for meals we share, even if we make her another option. What should I do to support my daughter?

Dear Hold the Beef, 

When I was around your daughter’s age, I went to Hawaii with my parents. One night, we ate dinner on the beach, and we watched as a pig was dug up from an underground steam oven. I was horrified to see its face and nose; most of the meat I had eaten so far in my life didn’t resemble the animal it came from. A few years later, I became a vegetarian, and then in my 20s, a vegan. 

I share this story to reveal my slight bias in answering your question, but also my understanding of the ethical awakening your daughter might be experiencing. As you figure out how to talk to your child about what she decides to eat, we can at least table discussing the pros and cons of veganism itself. Instead, you should think about what amount of autonomy your child should have, and whether the moral decision-making she wants to engage in matches with her current stage of development. 

People don’t turn 18 and then suddenly start engaging morally with the world. As we grow up, we try to understand right and wrong in fits and spurts. Lawrence Kohlberg, a 20th-century American psychologist, is best known for attempting to track a person’s moral development throughout their life. 

Kohlberg presented people with hypothetical dilemmas in order to come up with six moral stages. In one example, he asked people of different ages about a dying woman who could be cured by a drug that was cheap to make, but that a manufacturer was charging an exorbitant fee for. The woman’s husband ends up stealing the drug. Is that right or wrong?

Kohlberg observed that in answering questions like this, young children have what he called a “preconventional morality”: Their notions of right and wrong are dictated by what their parents think, and the avoidance of punishment when breaking those rules. For instance, the main reason not to throw your dinner on the ground or hit your brother was to avoid consequences from parents, not a feeling that there’s something wrong about that action. 

Kohlberg thought this stage lasted until around age 9, and in the next period, children began to understand that there isn’t just one correct action, but that people could have different moral ideas based on their social context. To sum up the rest of the stages quickly, each one progresses to encompass more views — like the moral agreements necessary to make a society function — and more complexity — like the realization that a seemingly immoral action can ultimately be moral, like stealing medicine for one’s wife. 

It’s useful to pinpoint where your daughter finds herself on Kohlberg’s timeline. It sounds like she’s in the shift from the first stage and into the later ones. What you’ve decided — that it’s okay to eat meat if it’s free-range or grass-fed — is no longer sufficient for your daughter in terms of guiding her own actions. That can be a jarring moment for a parent, but at least, according to Kohlberg, it’s a sign of maturation. Your child should, at this age, start to consider her friends, as well as the experiences she’s had without you, when making an ethical choice. 

But I’m her parent, you may protest. That doesn’t necessarily mean that your job is to exclusively provide black-and-white directives. 

Alison Gopnik, a psychologist and philosopher at the University of California Berkeley, has written about the unique perspective and personhood of children (including babies). In her book The Gardener and the Carpenter, she questions how people have come to define the act of parenting as having specific goals in mind for their children. This approach is like being a carpenter, she writes, who follows instructions to assemble a predetermined piece of furniture. She argues that parenting is more like gardening: You cultivate the soil and the environment and realize that you could produce any number of different flowers, fruits, or vegetables. Growth is the point, not a by-the-book final product. 

I see Gopnik in alignment with Jean-Jacques Rousseau, the 18th-century philosopher whose novel Émile, or On Education surprised its readers by advocating for a freer and child-centered approach to teaching. Émile, a young wealthy boy, is tutored — in high contrast to the expectations of the day — without strict rules. Rousseau thought you couldn’t make a child turn into an adult any faster, and it was foolish to try. He also thought that children had to learn by having their own experiences out in the world, and learning from those, rather than just overly didactic lessons. 

As your daughter dips her toe into the morality of eating meat, Rousseau would also remind you not to expect her to have the most mature ideas about veganism or her meal plan. She is still young, and may just have come across an idea that feels ethically important to her. Your role as her parent is to help her develop her nuanced morality, a process Kohlberg suggests will continue, and not steer her towards one way of eating over another. Be Gopnik’s dietary gardener, not carpenter. 

Of course, parents do have rights over their children, and an obligation to keep them safe. When we’re young, we’re not always equipped to make the right choice (some would argue this continues into adulthood, too). If your daughter decided to take up smoking cigarettes, for instance, you would step in because her choice would negatively affect her health. As her parent, you should still guide her to build healthy habits. 

You say you’re worried about your daughter becoming too picky, or not being exposed to enough foods if she becomes a vegan. But rather than push back on the choice itself, you can explain what else her choice entails. You can do so in an age-appropriate way. Talk about the nutrients that she might be missing out on if she stops eating meat, dairy, and eggs, and find books or videos about what foods might be a good substitute. 

For me, becoming vegan actually exposed me to all kinds of foods that I might not have eaten otherwise: from Asian and Indian cuisines that are very veggie-friendly to many other protein- and iron-rich plant-based foods. You could collaborate with your daughter to cook vegan meals for the whole family; no challenge sparks a budding home cook more than making delectable tofu. 

I should add that I’m no longer a vegan. I learned a lot from committing to a diet that wasn’t always convenient or tasty, in support of my values. Then, after more than a decade, I incorporated eggs and fish back into my diet. It’s likely that your daughter will continue to change the choices she makes as she tries to align her actions with her maturing moral views about the world. 

Whether or not she eats grass-fed beef with you in her teens, you should be glad that she seems to care about what impact she’s having in the world. It means you’re raising a person whose ethics are developing strongly, even as what’s on your dinner plate may change while she figures it all out.  

Bonus: What I’m reading

• Speaking of tofu, I revisited an essay that George Stiffman (a self-proclaimed “tofu guy”) wrote for Asterisk Magazine about how soybean curds are prepared in China. Warning: This article will make you hungry! He dives into all the creative culinary preparations of tofu that are tragically absent in the West. 
• Several years ago, I bought a plant-based cooking book especially for children, The Vegan Cookbook for Kids: Easy Plant-Based Recipes for Young Chefs. It was a present for a non-vegan family, but the kid in question was interested in learning how to cook, and when kids cook vegan, parents don’t have to worry about them handling raw meat! Looking over these snacks and meals again, I see several tasty things that I wouldn’t mind making for myself, even as a non-vegan, and non-child. 
• When I was a vegan in New York City in the 2010s, I wasn’t constrained to sad tofu and sprout sandwiches. It seemed like every week a brand-new vegan restaurant opened up, covering every cuisine, and with star chefs at the helm. But lately, all my favorite vegan restaurants have been closing. Turns out I’m not imagining it, as Vox’s Marina Bolotnikova wrote in her article: “Where did all the vegan restaurants go?” She investigates why these establishments have become rarer, and what we’ll miss out on if they completely disappear. 

If you’re on TikTok, you’ve probably heard of the latest dating trend: the rock-and-star theory. This relationship theory suggests that opposites attract. But is it really as healthy as it seems? I spoke with dating coaches and matchmakers about their perspectives.

What Is the Rock-and-Star Relationship Theory?

The rock-and-star relationship theory states that there are two types of partners in a couple: the rock (aka the stable one) and the star (aka the spontaneous one). Together, these two are thought to make the perfect pair.

“The rock-and-star relationship theory is the idea that an ideal relationship is when the two individuals are opposite in terms of energy/personalities,” says Susan Trombetti, matchmaker and CEO of Exclusive Matchmaking.

“The ‘rock’ is the more steady, type A individual. This is the person who may be a little quieter or reserved, planning ahead, etc.,” she continues. “The ‘star’ is the person who is possibly louder and more spontaneous. Think of it as more so as the person that has more of a Type B personality.”

Pros of the Rock-and-Star Dynamic

If both partners are willing to meet in the middle and learn from each other, this relationship dynamic can be incredibly balanced and harmonious.

“These types of personalities complement each other because they push one another out of their shells/comfort zones,” says Trombetti. “The rock is preparing for the future, but the star is reminding their partner to have some fun!”

“As a matchmaker, I see this dynamic all the time. It works well because opposites really do attract,” says April Davis, founder and celebrity matchmaker at LUMA Luxury Matchmaking and an accredited dating coach. “With the rock and star, there’s less competition. Each partner is comfortable [with] what they bring to the table and their role in each other’s lives.”

On the other hand, a relationship with two rocks or two stars can be harder to navigate, either all work and no play, or a fight for the spotlight. Every rock needs their star, and every star needs their rock.

“There’s also something really nice about being able to come home and not feel like you’re still on stage,” says Davis. “If you spend your whole day being the star at work, having someone who grounds you and knows you outside of that can be very comforting.”

Cons of the Rock-and-Star Relationship Dynamic

When unbalanced, this relationship dynamic can have its downsides. For example, let’s say the star throws all caution to the wind, digging themselves a financial hole and expecting the rock to clean up their mess; or, on the other hand, maybe the rock is so rigid that they unknowingly dim the star’s light.”

“The negative could be if one of the two people [is] extreme,” Trombetti says. “Both people need to be able to compromise when they have very different ways of living.”

Additionally, while the star might naturally shine, the rock still deserves attention, too. Both partners should feel equally valued, supported, and important in the relationship.

“The potential downside to this dynamic is if the rock sets aside their personal goals and ambition so their partner can shine,” says Davis. “The rock still needs to feel appreciated and loved. If only one person gets all the attention and has their dreams supported, resentment is going to build very quickly.”

The post TikTok Has a New Theory About Happy Couples. Does It Hold Up? appeared first on VICE.

The new moon in Libra will occur on Saturday, October 10, at 11:50 a.m. ET, when the moon reaches 0% illumination. From our view here on Earth, the moon will seem to “disappear” from the sky, but astrologically speaking, its impact will be hard to ignore.

About the Upcoming Libra New Moon

This new moon occurs in Libra, bringing an air of romance and harmony. Ruled by Venus, the planet of love and beauty, Libra focuses on dating, relationships, justice, and fairness. When the new moon falls in this sign, expect opportunities, clarity, and perhaps even closure in your closest relationships. This might look like deep, healing conversations, exciting meet-cutes, or much-needed breakups.

This new moon also falls during the powerful Venus retrograde in Scorpio. If you know anything about retrogrades, you know they’re thought to stir up chaos and conflict—so you can finally work through old wounds once and for all. But with the planet of love retrograding in Scorpio, a passionate, possessive water sign, you might feel more intensity in your love life. Think: exes resurfacing, misaligned partners calling it quits, insecurities popping up, etc.

This Libra new moon can help you clarify your wants and needs in relationships. Use it to ground you during an otherwise unstable period.

How to Work With the New Moon in Libra Energy

1. Find Ways to Bring Balance and Harmony to Your Life

The new moon in Libra is a great opportunity to find more balance in your life. Libra is all about harmony and fairness, so make sure you’re not giving more than you take—or vice versa—right now, especially in your closest relationships.

For example, if you’re in a relationship, do you feel you’re both investing equal effort, or is one person carrying more of the weight? Are certain parts of your life (work, school, chores) getting more attention than others (movement, health, and pleasure)? Be honest as you evaluate your priorities and relationships.

2. Get Clear on Your Must-Haves in Love

Because Libra deals heavily with love and romance, this new moon is the perfect time to write a relationship manifesto. In other words, define your ideal partner or relationship by writing down the qualities you’re seeking in a significant other: kindness, patience, empathy, passion, a good sense of humor, etc. Include details regarding how you’d like to feel within this connection. For example, you might want to feel safe, secure, and supported; or you might be seeking chemistry, excitement, and casual commitment. Whatever the case, get clear on what you want and how you want it to show up for you.

3. Prioritize Self-Care

Self-care is crucial during Libra season, as this air sign is known for over-giving. Sometimes, Libra forgets to set boundaries that protect their energy. Use this new moon to show yourself some extra love and care. Of course, this doesn’t mean you have to neglect your loved ones; however, make sure you’re not neglecting yourself, either. Make time for rest, pleasure, creativity, and romance—and treat yourself every once in a while.

The post Today’s New Moon Will Have You Rethinking Your Love Life, According to Astrology appeared first on VICE.

For better and for worse, the topic of narcissism has become rather “trendy.” Awareness is fabulous; however, it’s horrible to know that abuse is so rampant, and there’s also the issue of the phenomenon of individuals haphazardly flinging the term “narcissist” around as a form of slander and devaluation. That said, those who cry wolf do not alter the indisputable fact that narcissists are a very real and persistent menace capable of eroding even the strongest souls in unimaginable ways.

These parasites, so we are told by the experts, don’t change; they age poorly; and those of the “malignant” variety just want to destroy us — every encounter, no matter how seemingly benign, is entered on their end with malevolent intentions. They will harm the hands that feed them, if only to feel a bit less powerless. They dwell in a fantasy land where they are infallible and all-powerful, and they try to trap us there too. 

Casting a narcissist out of your life is complicated for many reasons. Yet, once you exorcise their disgusting spirit from your heart, there will almost certainly be divine rewards. In fact, a good portion of those who have experienced narcissistic abuse have stated that they wouldn’t go back and erase the experience, despite the immense pain endured. Nietzsche’s immortal words indeed apply: “What does not kill me, makes me stronger.”

Narcissists show us, by their outrageous example, the bitter people (Note: Some contend that they actually are not “people”…) we must never become; all too often, they meet their downfall, from which we can certainly extract moral stories.

In celebration of recovery, here are the 5 must-follow accounts to help you (or a friend who might be affected) heal from narcissistic abuse! 

1. Richard Grannon

Sometimes, when we’ve been victimized, we fear appearing weak. In those cases, the truth may penetrate our thick skulls more easily if delivered by a large, tough guy like Richard Grannon, whose background includes both self-defense and psychology. Mr. Grannon is probably the first expert on narcissism you should turn toward during your recovery process; while he runs a coaching service, he also gives advice on how to find a fitting therapist — not everyone in mental health understands the complexities of narcissism.

His deep wisdom always seems compatible with common sense. This respected figure is very blunt about how narcissists weaponize love and empathy; the more you attempt to help them, the sicker they become. Going “no contact” is the only solution, as the others on this list agree.

I don’t say this lightly: Mr. Grannon’s videos can change lives. As this beacon of intellectual honesty says, the goal of narcissism videos is to make you stop watching narcissism videos and focus on other things. While such videos are addictive, Grannon can certainly enable you to break free of them.

Follow Richard Grannon HERE.

Awakened Survivor 

Octavia, the woman behind Awakened Survivor, is my personal favorite narcissism expert. She boasts an impressive background in the arts and holistic wellness. She created the character Nelly the Narcissist because, as someone in entertainment, she rightly believes humor can aid recovery. 

This outstanding creator bravely dives into the spiritual dimension of narcissistic abuse; in my opinion, it’s a sin to ignore it. By probing areas some might consider taboo (as well as more standard territory), Octavia has led her viewership on surprising yet rewarding journeys. She sometimes features guests with fascinating perspectives, adding variety. 

Octavia radiates a gentle, empathic energy, which matters especially when she delivers crushing truths about energy vampires —trying to fathom the levels of malice behind the masks worn by sociopaths can understandably make a person furious, but Octavia has a superb grasp of how to relay disconcerting information. She places a special emphasis on encouraging followers to rekindle and protect that inner Light that the narcissists so desperately tried to snuff.

Follow Awakened Survivor HERE.

Danish Bashir 

Mr. Bashir brings a unique set of insights, having grown up around narcissists and overcome their snares. I find he often has incredible observations that no one else does. With uncanny accuracy, Mr. Bashir will capture oddly specific behaviors that you thought were just individual to the narcissist who turned your life upside down — as many have remarked, narcissists are all cut from the same fabric.

He explores everything from the narcissists’ lack of table manners to their ability to completely destroy your health — a shocking yet concrete reality agreed upon by all experts I’ve heard thus far. While Bashir holds a master’s in clinical psychology, he also lets his spiritual understanding shine through. You can’t skip over this expert! 

Follow Danish Bashir HERE.

Jill Wise Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coaching

Ms. Wise is so ridiculously razor-sharp and to the point that she can explain in minutes, or often even in an instant, those mind games that have quite literally been driving you insane — the manipulative tactics that leave you either pale and speechless or red and rambling. In other words, she takes the source of all the mixed emotions boiling up inside you and boils them down into something perfectly palatable, turning your struggles into nourishing knowledge. Ms. Wise sees right through the inner workings of most self-aggrandizing and gaslighting creatures (who, she assures us, are just as pathetic and broken on the inside as we might like to believe) while encouraging listeners to take the Higher path.

Follow Jill Wise Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coaching HERE.

Ask Anoushka

Anoushka Marcin is another remarkable woman, with abundant gifts of intuition and insight. Her explanations are always clear; she offers amazing takeaways, avoids leaving her followers feeling bogged down by the heaviness that often follows psychological discussions, and is always a delight to listen to. The Zen she emanates is contagious. 

As she has noted, she has blossomed as a creator; as she moved away from her abusive situation, she has beautifully come into herself, reclaimed her confidence and other gifts, and become a testament to the power of healing.

Follow Ask Anoushka HERE.

The post 5 Must-Follow YouTube Accounts to Help You Heal From Narcissistic Abuse appeared first on VICE.