Marriage is a major life and relationship milestone—a decision worth taking seriously. While some people dream of tying the knot with their soulmate and fantasize about their future wedding from a young age, others take a more practical, or even cynical, approach to the long-term commitment. Wherever you fall on the spectrum, you likely understand the weight that marriage carries.

If you’re approaching that time in your life and relationship and feel ready to take the next steps and deepen your commitment, you’ll want to make sure you’re in the right place—with the right person—before jumping into a life together. Amie Leadingham, a Master Certified Relationship Coach with over 10+ of experience, shared four important questions to ask yourself before tying the knot with your partner.

1. Does Your Partner Meet Your Non-Negotiables?

Being in love is just one prerequisite of marriage. Before writing your vows, consider your non-negotiables and whether your partner actually meets them.

“These are the core values and needs you require to be aligned with your partner in order to have a happy relationship,” Leadingham explains. “They’re your must-haves, like: Do we want a family? Is our financial outlook the same?”

Being on the same page about your values and goals is crucial before making such a long-term, serious commitment.

2. Do You Share the Same Life Goals?

No matter how much you might love your partner, you can’t force compatibility. Before making the life-altering decision to get married, make sure your future goals align.

“It’s important to know that you both are on the same path in life,” says Leadingham. “So many people get married and years later discover that one person wanted a family and the other person didn’t.”

Unfortunately, this is often how resentment builds: one person gives up their dreams or life goals for the other, prioritizing their connection above their own happiness. Over time, that regret and bitterness can destroy even the healthiest of relationships.

3. How Well Do You Navigate Conflict and Repair?

Conflict is inevitable in relationships; what matters most is how you repair after it. If you and your partner can’t compromise, consider each other’s perspectives, or reconnect after an argument, you may want to pump the brakes on any long-term decisions.

“As much as we think relationships [are] all about love, it’s the difficult moments and how we repair them [that keep] a couple together,” says Leadingham.

4. Do You Feel Safe With Your Partner?

Safety is one of the most important facets of a relationship—but not just physical safety. Emotional safety, trust, stability, and security all point to a healthy, empowering connection.

“Your nervous system plays a big part in telling you whether the relationship is right for you,” says Leadingham. “If you are in constant fight, flight, or freeze and unable to share your real truths, that is a red flag sign that this might not be your person.”

Marry someone you can be your most authentic self with—someone who doesn’t expect you to perform all the time. Your spouse will likely see you through your darkest moments: sickness, financial insecurity, the loss of your parents, etc. Can you imagine your current partner showing up for you through that grief? If not, maybe it’s time to have some hard conversations.

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Many long-term couples fall into a rut at some point in their relationship, believing their lack of a sex life means they’ve lost attraction to each other. But oftentimes, this isn’t actually the case—and even if it is, it’s usually more complex than “I no longer think they’re hot.” (Unless, of course, you’re only with your partner for shallow reasons.)

Love and attraction go far beyond the physical. For example, a deep emotional connection, safety, mystery, spontaneity, personal confidence…these all play into our ability to feel sexual toward another person.

If you’re feeling less attracted to your partner, it doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed.

Why You Suddenly Feel Unattracted to Your Partner

Losing attraction to your partner can feel like a death sentence for your relationship, but many factors play into attraction and chemistry.

“There are MANY reasons someone might lose attraction to their partner, and 99% of them pertain to the person themself as well as to changing dynamics in a relationship,” says Lauren Goldstein, an AASECT-certified sex therapist and relationship therapist.

For example, you may feel more stressed at work, insecure in your own body, or emotionally disconnected from your partner.

“All relationships change, and once you get out of the honeymoon phase of a relationship (which is about 6 months-2 years), you often find yourself managing big responsibilities together, navigating household duties and possibly coparenting,” Goldstein explains. “And suddenly you’re seeing each other in very unsexy ways, having breakfast in your ugly pajamas AGAIN and wishing for some excitement.”

As they say, relationships take work—and sometimes, so does attraction. It’s not always that you no longer find your partner to be handsome or beautiful, but rather that you’ve fallen into a mundane routine with them. Maybe they’ve lost the same passion and spontaneity they once had, or perhaps you’re slipping into a parenting role while they spend most of their time on the couch.

“Plenty of other things can chip away at attraction, too: attachment styles, your relationship with your body, mental health issues, not feeling sexy for any number of reasons, and dynamics in your partnership,” says Goldstein. “Usually it comes back to what’s going on inside the individual, not the partner.”

How to Navigate a Loss of Attraction in Relationships

If you fear you’ve lost attraction to your partner, this usually says more about your connection and relationship dynamic than about their physical appearance. Here’s how to address the issue.

1. Identify the Disconnect

Attraction can fade over time for several reasons, from personal insecurity to overemphasis on looks to emotional distance in the relationship. 

“Start by figuring out the root cause, look inward rather than blaming your partner, and explore any issues that are causing stress because often stress or anxiety is one of the culprits,” says Goldstein. “Then get curious about what helps you feel attraction, what gets your juices flowing, and do more of that.”

2. Add Some Mystery to the Relationship

Many times, people assume they’ve lost attraction to their partner when really, their sex life is just falling into a rut. Anyone in a long-term relationship can experience this.

“A really solid relationship requires security and safety, but eroticism needs mystery and uncertainty in order to thrive,” says Goldstein. “So you have to figure out how to cultivate a balance between the two, and sometimes you become business partners first, and the sexiness falls [by] the wayside.”

3. Communicate Honestly and Gently

Of course, the best way to address any relationship issue is by communicating with your partner. However, talking about your apparent lack of attraction to them can feel uncomfortable and downright hurtful. Thankfully, there’s a better way to broach the subject.

“The best way to bring it up with your partner is to really understand it first, and then tell your partner you’re struggling with how to maintain desire in a relationship, that you’re working on understanding yourself better, and that you’d love to share what you learn and work on it together,” says Goldstein. “Provide reassurance to your partner that they didn’t suddenly become less desirable. Turning toward them instead of blaming them is always the way to go.”

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First dates are still pretty much the same awkward round of questions they’ve always been. Where’d you grow up? What do you do for work? Have you watched anything good lately? Two drinks in, you know he works in finance and loves The Sopranos, but you have no idea whether he handles conflict like an adult or disappears for three days when he gets upset.

Dating coach and TikTok creator Sabrina Zohar thinks people should get a little nosier. In a video with over 534,000 views, she shared three questions she thinks everyone should ask on a first date. And if the thought of asking them makes you want to crawl under the table, she thinks you might have some emotional availability issues of your own.

1. “Who is the first person that you call when everything is either going right or going wrong?”

Zohar says someone who can’t name a person, or insists on handling everything themselves, may struggle to open up emotionally. Some people are perfectly comfortable handling things on their own. Others would rather jump off a cliff than admit they need emotional support. What you’re really listening for is how someone talks about the people they trust, if any.

2. “What is a belief that you’ve outgrown in the last few years?”

She’s looking for what she calls “self-reflection and ego flexibility.” In other words, can this person admit they’ve changed their mind? Can they recognize that their 25-year-old self was occasionally an idiot? You’d hope so. A guy who still thinks every opinion he’s ever had was correct is exhausting…and a big red flag.

3. “What is something that you’re working on within yourself right now that you’re proud of?”

And Zohar has little patience for generic self-improvement speeches. “I don’t want them to say, Oh, I’m just working on becoming a better person. Too f****** vague,” she said. She wants an actual example, like someone recognizing they used to shut down during arguments and are trying to handle difficult conversations without leaving the room.

The comments were split, with some people wondering who the hell wants to get into all of this with someone they met 20 minutes ago.

“Great questions. But too heavy for a first date,” one commenter wrote. Another commenter suggested asking, “Approximately how old is the Earth and what shape is it?” She’s joking, but that would honestly give you a solid idea if you’re on the same page about beliefs and life, in general. 

People might be giving first-date strangers too little credit, though. In one study, researchers had strangers discuss personal topics and found that participants expected those conversations to be much more awkward than they turned out to be. They also underestimated how interested the other person would be in hearing their answers.

You probably don’t need to ask about childhood trauma before you’ve even ordered food. But tossing one of these questions into the usual work-and-how-much-you-hate-dating-apps conversation could make the evening way more productive—for both of you.

Besides, you’ve probably sat through enough first dates listening to a man explain his job in excruciating detail. You might as well find out if he can actually feel anything.

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Ask any woman who’s been on hormonal birth control for half their life how it’s going, and you’ll probably get a long sigh before you get an answer. Meanwhile, the guys she’s sleeping with have the same two options their dads had. Condoms or a vasectomy. Quite the selection.

Men seem ready for something better, too. A survey published in Andrology found that 61% of men across seven countries would try a new male contraceptive within its first year on the market. In the U.S., interest jumped from 39% to 49% after the Supreme Court overturned Roe v. Wade.

And for once, there are some promising candidates.

One of the more interesting developments comes from NEXT Life Sciences, which is working on a hormone-free pill called PausePill. Men would take it before sex, with the effects intended to last about 24 hours. The idea is to temporarily prevent sperm from coming out during ejaculation, leaving erections and orgasms alone.

Founder L.R. Fox even told the New York Post that “anecdotally, we’ve heard men say that they actually have increased pleasure.” Increased pleasure and no pregnancy? That’s a hell of a sales pitch.

The catch is that researchers still have to prove it works. The pill, also known as NLS-133, is being studied in a small Phase 2 trial involving 10 men. Its ability to reliably prevent pregnancy remains unproven.

Pills, Gels, and Injections: The Race to Give Men More Birth Control Options

NEXT is also developing Plan A, a hormone-free contraceptive for men who’d prefer to handle birth control with one procedure. It involves injecting a hydrogel into the tubes that carry sperm, preventing them from entering semen. The company wants the procedure to be reversible, although that still needs to be demonstrated in human trials.

Then there’s YCT-529, a daily hormone-free pill from YourChoice Therapeutics. Its first human safety trial involved 16 men who’d already had vasectomies. Researchers reported no adverse effects from the single doses tested, and longer trials are examining what happens to sperm production.

Another candidate, NES/T, is a hormonal gel men apply to their shoulders daily. In a Phase 2b trial involving 222 men, 86% reached the study’s sperm suppression target by week 15.

Of course, male birth control has been promising to arrive for years. Researchers still need larger trials, convincing safety data, and actual evidence that these products prevent pregnancy.

For now, women are still handling most of the contraceptive responsibility while men wait for something new. Hopefully, one of these products makes it to the pharmacy before another generation of guys has to make the same condom-or-vasectomy decision their dads did.

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